At our meeting this Wednesday, I didn't make time to work and committed to writing to you all about the summer.

I am struggling with being a father. The love part I have down, the day-to-day of being a father is hard. Most mornings, I wake at 5:15; do yoga, read an online newspaper, take the LIRR, red or meditate, get to my office by 8:40, delete spam, skim the hundreds of emails I receive each day, do some modest business development, try to see why I am modestly supported by people in the office and what I can do differently, try different ideas, leave no later than 5:19 to be ona 5:40 train (some days, earlier) come home, try to connect with Jack & Sharon, play with Jack, give him a bath and maybe put him to bed.

By then, I am too tired to be much of anything. I may do some more yoga, watch tv, fall asleep where I am.

For the past few years, I have hosted several employment groups on Yahoo; one has been #12 in its category; a second #14 in the same one; the third is not highly ranked. They have helped me to do business and helped many find work or consulting assignments.

This week, I was locked out of my Yahoo account; I thought it was an error of some sort and wmailed customer service; their response: they have the right to do this and won't tell me what I might have done to cause the action unless they are compelled to do so (Translate: Sue us and we'll tell you). In these days of spoofed email addresses and phishing, it is stunning to me that they would act this way.

Is it possible that i did something wrong? Yes. Is it probable? No. The inference in their email was that I violated a privacy rule which I could not have done.

I've led two weekends this summer, the largest one ever done by Chicago where I had the priviledge of holding and being responsible for the same staff that Lindgren, Greenwald and every other leader who has led a Chicago training has held. I also led in Windsor-Detroit where I helped the three local co-leaders become re-connected after years of sniping.

I have finished ten speeches at Toastmasters, with most focusing on death and life, two topics that have become particularly maningful to me as I accept the notion that my father has entered the last year of his life. Dad is dying; he has stage 4 colon cancer, untreatable with chemo or radiation treatment; he is receiving a new cancer drug designed to slow the reproduction of cancer cells, not cure his cancer.

I still hold out the long shot possibility of my father successfully guilting my brother to the NWTA in two weeks with the hope that we can begin a process of reconciliation after more than two years of non-contact. And it's not probable.

My life feels overwhelming. I'm doing better at work and I'm feeling overwhelmed with the various responsibilities of life. The result is that i am following the familiar pattern of sacrificing my own needs for others.

So, as I write this morning, I feel depressed. Sad.
- posted by Unknown @ 9:35 AM