There are days taht are exciting and hard all at once. Today felt like one. I kept going all day and into this evening. Doing my job. Paying attention to the little boy I love. Helping in the house. Finishing the prep of financial records for the accountant on Wednesday. I ma annoyed that at this time in life I am still doing lots of doings and have little time to just be.

Even my work with MKPI (outside of leading weekends) has become annoying as to much politics is causing me to decide to leave active operations nationally.

We are making our way through this, hard as it is sometimes. I battle to thrive, survive and love and often loving is the most difficult of them all.
- posted by Unknown @ 9:33 PM

 
I have been feeling very tense again. I rarely rest and am on the go from te time I wake until I sleep. I made the mitake of getting involved with some politics in my men's organization and it has been eating me up. Stupidity is rampant and my opponents have drunk the KoolAid.

So, my friend, Terry, gave me a terrific gift yesterday. She waslked me over to the spa at teh Madison Towers Hotel on 38 Street and Madison Avenue for a massage that just loosened me up and put a smile on my face. Sauna. Shave. Massage. Hot flor afterwards. I walked out relaxed even though my musles tooka beating yesterday and, as happened last time, I came back to the office and did a great job on the phones and picked up a few new jobs to work on.

==============================================
Why am I so concerned about being right about things? This stupid argument within my men's group over whether to mandate multicultural training for less experienced men than myself seems ridiculous. And there I am trying to prove my point and getting grenades launched at me.


- posted by Unknown @ 6:55 AM

 
"All of us grew up with the expectations of others and those expectations usually led to some sort of manipulation and eventual shaming, and then shadow did its part in order for the child to survive. In the course of events, one person becomes more, and lives numbly in their pretend world. The other becomes less and perhaps 20 years later finds himself/herself in therapy or on the guts carpet fighting to live wake up and believe in themselves. I can clearly speak about my own wound and the expectations that were placed on me. That was my experience. But I am not alone. I have watched about a thousand men do their own work and the expectations of others and or the ?expectations? of oneself have played a part every time."
- posted by Unknown @ 1:45 PM

 
After I published this last blog, my system died. I called Gateway and asked for support and couldn't re-install XP. I have worked desparately to resusitate my system but XP wouldn't re-install, I needed to back up data and reformat my drive. I'll figure out how much I've lost tomorrow; in the mean time, I've spent a good part of the holiday weekend on my computer trying to save fuiles and re-store them.

Tomorrow will be telling.

The file I published Friday evening is not one that I wrote. Written by my friend Snake Bloomstrand, it just ripped me apart on so many layers--I'm 53 and wish there was a venue where I didn't have to compete with the 20 somethings who want to kill me off; I wish culturally, I could coach them instead of needing to always win. I mentor three people now but reeive a small pittance for doing so.

And then there's the feeling of beinga 53 year old father of a threee year old. It will never end. I will always work.
- posted by Unknown @ 10:17 PM

 
I have had the great privilege to lead workshops and council individuals around the world for the last 15 years.

I have observed and worked with thousands of people as they stepped into positions of leadership. I listened to their questions and watched as they worked to overcome personal and professional obstacles in order to succeed.
I have worked with people taking their first steps into leadership, and those at the top of their game.
People just starting out are easy, the lessons are predictable and information plentiful. The individuals who fascinate me however are those at the top of the ladder, the questions they ask are seldom written however shared in
common by many leaders.

How do I deal with the isolation I experience?

Where can I seek council of peers who would understand my dilemmas?

Most often the question I get from leaders is "The money is good, my position is assured, I feel good about what I do, but "Is this it? Where do I go from here? What comes next?"

Our culture has a golden ceiling located above the glass ceiling so often referred to, once the top rung of authority has been reached, and compensation has reached extraordinary levels, many face the prospect of what to do next. Pressed against this "Golden ceiling" the prospect of retirement, the imagined goal of the young becomes less
appealing. As we age, years spent learning and developing mature discretion desires a place to be applied. Money accumulated over years of hard work is easy to spend. But how does one spend the maturity that was banked at the same time? Where can one find the market that uses wisdom as currency? This golden ceiling bars us from the market of wisdom.

Sad to say, many powerful men and women faced with these questions have retreated into self imposed exile, finding many places to spend their money but few places to spend their wisdom. Compounded by the fact that
knowledge gained running a particular business or machine is not always wisdom but often craftsmanship. There are hundreds of thousands of individuals who fit into the category of "Craftsmen leaders" but the distinction
between craftsman and master is important and rarely examined. We must begin to separate the two if we hope to pierce this Golden ceiling.

Craftsmen learn to master specific tools and discover the limits of the medium they work in. Master Leaders are never limited by a specific skill set or medium, wisdom is their tool of choice. Years of learning to identify the difference
between principles that leave a lasting legacy and those remembered with regret are a product of self reflection and leads toward wisdom, we also begin to recognize that wisdom has few adversaries and is rarely competitive.
Years of introspection results in the ability to see oneself and others honestly. A completely different animal than the one craftsmen endeavor to tame, the craftsman works to influence the outside, the master works to awaken the inside.

Master Leaders are identified by who they are more than what they may have accomplished. What principles and ethics have guided them throughout their lives? Have they managed to blend hard skills with a commitment to core
beliefs? Have they remained honest and forthright in the face of money and power? Have they risked losing for what they felt was right?

I don't believe in perfection, no one ever achieved a position of leadership on success alone.
The ability to see mistakes as an opportunity to learn after honestly looking at the regrettable consequences of their decisions is also the mark of a Master leader. The world is crying out for master leaders to take their rightful
place, a role that transcends the sometimes limited positions of professional life. A hunger for leaders who will take a stand for the good of all is hinted at daily in-between the lines of our newspapers.

Role models of compassion and wisdom that possess the strength of character to take a stand for higher principles and ethics is possibly one of the deepest hungers in the world today. We often look to others to lead the way, but what if that Master leader is sitting in your chair right now? What if the hunger the world suffers from
could be satisfied by you?

So let me bring this back to ground, the hunger I speak of is felt the world over, it crosses gender and racial divisions, regardless of age we all can identify with the yearning.

I will tell you a story of initiation, although this story is somewhat romanticized it taps into a time where our culture first began developing many of the social structures we live with today.

Initiation is simply a threshold, there are many moments in our lives where a decision needs to be made, we let go of an old behavior or belief and grow beyond it. We all cross many thresholds but seldom are witnessed as we pass
over them into a new way of being.

There was a time when old men lived side by side with people of all ages, holding honored positions within the community, they were valued for their discretion and experience. In times of conflict, they balanced the young warrior's desire for adventure and physical challenge, offering sage discretion grown from having suffered
the regrettable consequences of battle. Excluded from the rigors of war these old men were often left to face the grief of those remaining at home, conscious of the painful costs incurred when young men go off to
dominate their world, these old men understood the unspoken consequences of aggression and greed.

They knew boys would find a way to be initiated into manhood even if they had to create hardship and suffering to test themselves. The old men were gatekeepers to maturity, able to recognize when the time was
right for a boy to become a man, they watched for signs confirming the moment, and they often had a long tradition of ceremony to support their challenge of initiation. Identified by many names worldwide, vision quest, hero's journey,
rite of passage, all initiations share a common theme. Separation, Descent, Ordeal, and a Welcoming back. These old men were schooled in the art of initiation.

Young men were separated from their families, challenged emotionally and physically in an effort to discover unique strengths and weaknesses, then welcomed into the world of adulthood charged with the responsibility of
making their contribution to the tribe or village. They began leaving the narcissism of the child behind, taking their rightful place, maturing as an adult. A pivotal moment began this process; the old men faced an initiate and said,

"I see value in you, now is the time to prove yourself, come with me, we are ready for you."

Deep within our bones a hunger still lives to hear an admired man speak these words. No matter where we come from, or which culture has left its imprint on our soul, our hunger to be seen as valuable, then challenged to reach
our potential are the words we yearn to hear. Regardless of our tribe or culture, we share a common desire for
initiation without ever knowing why.

"You have value, come with me"

How long have you been waiting for an old man to seek you out and speak these words?

We have abandoned our old men, assigning them positions of powerlessness. Themselves diminishing the wisdom gained from years served, certain their life experience has little value, banishing themselves to Desert or
Oceanside havens, living with isolation and regret as their constant companions in self-imposed exile. Today the world worships a youthful god of action in place of the aged god of discretion and wisdom. We still hunger for some challenge offered by a respected elder, ache for some affirmation of personal value convincing us of our inherent worth, yet we resist aging. We pray maturity will somehow eclipse this world of youth, but secretly dream it will leave us eighteen forever. The desire to be valued first felt as a youth mutates into resentment as years pass and our hunger grows, fueled by competition and jealousy administered in doses by those senior in years or authority. Endlessly waiting for the benevolent acknowledgement and worthy challenge offered by a true elder, we instead grow bitter and cynical.

The art of initiation practiced in the past by wise men and women may well be lost. Those schooled in initiation have almost disappeared, lost to a time that no longer exists. The hunger to be tested once satisfied by the
vision quest of old, replaced by a solitary journey where no welcome home is offered, unique contribution discouraged and individual value left to languish crumbling over time into regret and self absorbed introspection. We try
desperately to initiate ourselves through these passages, but what good is virtue when no one else bears witness.

Today we are initiated in isolation; seldom clear on the lesson, rarely blessed for our action.

We find personal initiations today everywhere we look, opportunities to rise above our previous limitations and challenge our fears or create new. Unlike days of old where the challenge came from outside in the form of a
fierce animal or harsh climate, today the greater challenges are found within ourselves. A failed relationship, or business crises brings us to our knees, forcing us across a threshold insisting we see ourselves in a new way.
Marriage certainly one of the most potent initiations takes limitless courage if for no other reason than to deflect stories of broken promises trailing behind countless families. The birth of a child, the grandest of all initiations
into womanhood initiates the father as well, propelling the new parents into a world of unfamiliar feelings and monumental expectations. Every one an initiation that shapes us from inside.

Today's "Hero's Journey" grows within us, often unspoken or endured with stoicism we are incapable of ignoring the call, life tests us insisting we >discover our strengths. Few of us approach these initiations consciously, swept up in
reaction or emotion we pass through life's challenges daring to risk an easy breath occasionally, yet also fearful of the future.

Deeper enduring values are learned in the crucible of initiation, modeled by older wiser souls that know of the struggle, their vitality proof we will survive. They must refuse us passage through the gates until they see us
consider our values and reflect them from our eyes for all to see. Only then do we become convinced of our value. When a respected man or woman looks into our eyes and believes we are powerful and just, we gladly live up
to their expectations. You are my best hope for the future; will my children be consumed by the hunger we have all suffered at the hands of absent elders? Or will you be the first to touch my daughter on the shoulder and say "Come with me, we are ready for you, I see something great in you" Will you seek out my son and convince him of his worth, challenge him to be great and fully capable of making his contribution?

Your "Hero's journey" awaits, will you put aside the playthings of youth, risk valuing your life experience enough to become that wise man or woman convincing others of their worth? Can you risk taking a stand against violence and oppression knowing the price? Put down the burden of your past and refuse fear the freedom to run your life?
Will you touch my children with benevolence, while challenging them into true maturity?

"Most men live lives of quiet desperation" (Thoreau)

The desperation we experience is not one of inadequacy, we are all desperate to make a unique contribution, be remembered fondly and leave a visible legacy. Desperate because we know the time is running out.

The "Golden ceiling" is but a thin membrane, constructed of what has been and what we thought we should do, yet easily pierced by the truth. The wisdom gained from years walking this planet is valuable, mature men and
women do have something to offer to all, the idea that beyond a certain number of years we have earned the right to fall asleep in the sun is a dreadful lie. A lie that wastes wisdom and atrophies bodies that could remain
>>vital. More important all those hungry to be convinced they have value will fall prey to the same illness many of us have suffered from. Diminishing our gifts, lost in regrets, and uncertain whether we really have anything of to
offer. Now is the time to take a stand, feed the hunger you see around you, convince others of their value and begin with yourself. The courage required to reach the other side of the Golden ceiling is considerable, but the tools needed
are simple and well known, Truth, Respect, and Wisdom.

We must not wait for the wise ones to appear, or lament their departure, we must become them.

Are you ready? I see something great in you.

- posted by Unknown @ 9:39 PM

 
I am more anxious about things than I care to admit. I handle too much, have too many balls in the air and then become afraid to drop them.

And then I upset people because I'm just not present all the time.

As I read a description of The Inner King Training, I started to wonder about how I rule my own realm.

I don't.
- posted by Unknown @ 9:29 PM

 
I have a slight headache this morning, the residue of two tension filled evenings that relate to non-home related stuff.

The first was a logistical problem at work on Sunday night where I could not intercpet someone over the weekend. The client was extremely gratious and solved the problem.

The secong related tothe New Warrior Traing Adventure I led in Brooklyn and a process that went into the park. A peer review was called, rejected and, I'd like to think of it as an inquiry from one of the other leaders started to investigate the process.

I felt shocked and stunned at this happening moe than 6 months after the weeknd, yet, listened to the man who let me know of it and then with the man who made the inquiry and believe that I have put it to bed.

It is pleasing to satisfy the inquiry but tiring to have to do this yet again, especially with something that I was so forthcominng about before and after the weekend.
- posted by Unknown @ 6:11 AM

 
Today is Jack's birthday. He's three. Sharon has been preparing for his party tomorrow and it is absolutely delightful to watch and enjoy him and her as they get ready. We gave him a toy dinosaur which he hugged and we played a Wiggles game and watched tv. And I love them both.
- posted by Unknown @ 9:13 PM

 
I was up at 3:30 but then, again, so was Sharon who was tending to a sick son. She's back asleep while I took over and sat with him watching PBSKids and giving him a nebulizer of Xopanex. His health leaves me concerned. He gets sick every 4-6 weeks and with that his sleep patterns are disrupted.

I wish things were easier sometimes.

And they are what they are.

I hope he's well for his birthday on Friday and his birthday party on Saturday.
- posted by Unknown @ 6:03 AM