It's hard to appreciate what it means and feels like to lead a New Warrior Training Adventure (www.mkp.org). Now 12 years agter my own experience, I will be leading my first one tomorrow. It is the ultimate mantle of responsibility and I am prepared to lead. I have been certified o lead and I am looking forward o doing so. it is a humbling responsibility.

My responibility is to lead a weekend, not just facilitate processes and unless you have experienced one of these weekends, i is hard to appreciate the complexity that goes intodoing that. It is ulkimate groupwork--a staff group of 35; an attendee group of as many as 40. Creaing a cohesive staff group and preparing them to work with feelings that the men who attend the weekend arrive with. I am feeling quite ready.
- posted by Unknown @ 5:39 AM

 
I woke up early but in my bed. Jack was there, but Sharon wasn't. I knew he was going o be there because in my sleep I had heard him crying and heard him brought there. I rolled over and stayed asleep and apparenly Sharon left in order to let me sleep.

When I came off the train yesterday, they waited for me in the corner and we walked home together. He kept running to me and grabbing my leg. And all night long, I was tired and sad because I haven't slept well enough. I hope I feel different today and this weekend.
- posted by Unknown @ 4:47 AM

 
I'm out of balance. I stressed. Want to cry. Need to relax and am juggling as much as I can in an effort to earn a living while still being a good husband and father. I wnat to cry.

My thinking is stacato. After being evicted from my bed after falling asleep, I overslept the kitchen stove alarm, never having heard it, and galluped for an early train to get to my therapy schedule. I'm trying to get my lawyer now because having refinanced our mortgage, I don't have an address to send to send my payments to. I'm swamped with tasks of other people who are swamped with tasks.

It's a sad environment that I'm in now.
- posted by Unknown @ 5:07 PM

 
How precious it can be to touch a life so deeply that it can feel blessed by that second and remembered for a lifetime. How damning it can be to cross a child and bathe it in harm so memorable that it never feels clean.

I feel too busy again. unable to speak adequately with myself and others. Work and Warrior make fatherhood a challenge right now but after the trainng I lead next week, Warriors will take a step back until August.

I wish my craving to see all of life at once didn't blur so many beautiful moments.

I came home early and we went to the park. Sha went rollerblading and Jack kept wanting to follow her. It took about 40 minutes for her to return and he just got to the playground. He was happy to see her and cried when she skated to the car to change o her sneakers; he was afraid she was going away.I asked, "Are you afraid mommy is going to leave?"

A tearful, "Uh, huh"

As she started to walk back, "And now that she's coming back do you feel happy?"

"Uh-huh."

In just a moment.

He was asleep before dinner. Our moments together were not lost.
- posted by Unknown @ 11:40 PM

 
I got home last night and talked to Sharon a bit before she dozed off. I'm looking forward to spending time with her and Jack this weekend. I've been working so much that I haven't made much time for them PLUS I'm away from next Thursday through Sunday. She is such a love for me. A help. A support.
- posted by Unknown @ 2:42 PM

 
I want to get this deal out of my skin and wash it away. I did a placement; now the client wants to pay less, costing me a quarter of the fee. FUCK! I hate this kind of crap. AND, I hate it so much that I don't want to talk about it and wash it away and not complain and FUCK I was screwed!
- posted by Unknown @ 6:15 AM

 
Work was pleasant. I had lunch with Terry and remembered midway through lunch to have a good time in life. My mood changed I fely better, more animated and enjoyed my day. I left a little early, was stood up on a call that was scheduled for 5:30, got home and was greated by a happy to see me Jack. Happy smile, a hug. No cares. Sharon had dinner with her sister. She made most of dinner for me. Left and I played with Jack for a little while before giving him his bath and putting him to sleep. I vegged out for a while before Sharon came home at 10.

For a while Jack and I looked at pictures, family pictures where he is always the enter of attention. It is such a far journey from where we were more than a yers ago in kazakhstan where this sick little boy was brought to us in the big playroom of the baby house, where we visited with him in the infirmary because he was sick for much of our trip. I think back toto being handled by Sasha, our driver and how he arrived home with us, probably not knowing where in the world he was or who he was with. . . but now certainly loving it.

I hope my call today with new client goes well.
- posted by Unknown @ 5:32 AM

 
Iy's 4"15 and Jack has decided it's time to be awake. The sprinkler is on. It's still dark and my day has begun. The deal I've been working on is about to finally close. It has been llike taking a crp when you're constipated. The parties fell in love two weeks ago and have been waiting for their process to complete and papers to be signed off on. It has slowed me down with the waiting.knowing each day i would get several calls from the new employee that I dreaded because I knew nothing was new.

On the other hand, coming home last night ws fun. The sprinker person was here and Jack was running downstairs to the basement to see him. Repair men who come in at regular intervals get a perspective on kids. The sprinkler person comes in twice a year to turn it on and off. 'He's getting so big and talks so well," he told me. It's true.

We played last night. He went to sleep after 9. I fel asleep at around 10:20 and woke around midnight to go upstairs.
- posted by Unknown @ 4:31 AM

 
I feel relaxed today, despite having been evicted from my bed at around 1. I slept on the couch but hard him wake once more during the night. He doesn't sleep well when he has a lot of fun the day before and yesterday was fun for him. We had the grandparents over (Sharon's parents. I have no contact with my family because they won't have anything to do with Jack because we haven't had him circumcized), Sharon sister, Robin and her husband Mark, plus her cousins Jamie and Jillian.

Jamie is a very active 6 year old who loves to play, won't eat, and has a comrade with Jack to look up to her. She craves the attention a young child provides. Jack didn't eat much and may have awakened hungry. He doesn't eat much when she's there--except a mountain of fruit. They hadda lot of fun.

I, on the other hand, had worried earlier in the day about finances. I saw a $2600 credit card bill and budgeted in my mind for much less. $500 for this doctor. $240 for reservations for our vacation. $500 from Fairway. Another $150 for Trader Joe. Another $100 from the camera store. It never ends.
- posted by Unknown @ 6:11 AM

 
I slept until 7 this morning. First time in weeks.

Yesterday was an easy day at work and I left early to be with Sha and Jack. I played outdoors with Jack--he pushed his bike around. We had grilled snapper for dinner. Jack seemed very tired and right before Sharon left to look for a new quilt for the bed she ordered, I asked if we could put him in the car and take him for a ride so that he would fall asleep.Eventually he did and she went out. But he woke up a minute before she returned, was about to fall asleep when he heard her come in and cried for her. She went upstairs and replaced me and he went back to sleep and slept the night.
- posted by Unknown @ 7:18 AM

 
Yesterday was the beginning of Passover. I left work early to take the train home so that I could drive the family to Aunt Jane and Uncle Allan's house for Seder. What at night is a 90 muinute drive became 3 hours and ten minutes (2 hours and 15 to the Verrazano). Ugh!!!!!

Jack was climbing walls for teh first hour 45. He got to a point where he started to scream. We joined him in screaming which made a game out of it. Who screams next and everyone would join in the scream. He stopped screaming. I told him a simple version of the Passover story

We arrived an hour late had a few appetizers (we were hungry and tired) and enjoyed the seder. Jack started singing the song from the weekend he enjoyed--watermelon, ginger ale, hifi, pizza pie--and I cracked up. He liked the Passover food eating lots of matzah and gefilte fish and some matzoh ball before we acualy had the meal.

We left at aound ten and were home by 11:30; I was awake from the decaf I drank and did the drive. He slept in the back and Sharon transfered him successfully. We were asleep a few minutes later.
- posted by Unknown @ 6:05 AM

 
It was another late night. Last night ws a staff meeting for a Warrior wekend that I am scheduled to lead in the beginning of May. I'm not sure this weekend will happen because we just don't have enough men signed up. And we met and did some nice work and the staff appears unified to work hard to make it happen.

I spoke about why I do these things and took out a photo of Jack. This is a weekend that I want to happen because I want to do it for my little boy. I told them that he was from central Asia. That when we go toa market, he is seen as a curiousity (where is he from?) because he looks different--different than us and different from other people.

This is a society that doesn't like difference all that much. It prefers things that are the same--homogenized, pastuerized, sanitized. Someone offerd "bleached" as an adjective. I told them that this little boy has no contact with his paternal grndparents because he is different--he hasn't been circumcised so they and my brother want nothing to do with him.. I want to help make a safer world for him.

We finished a little before 10 and the staff seemed strong in its desire to see the weekned happen. I hope it happens.
- posted by Unknown @ 6:02 AM

 
My therapy session felt good. I got a good discharge and a good hit on some of my internal battles with success and "getting close". I had an OK work day; I'm close to a deal and am holding my breath until it closes, hoefully today.I received an email from someone who found this blog and was really touched by it. The woman, a grad student was tryng to find some info about my old agency and found this blog. She wa touched by what she read and told me it was one of the best accidental finds she had on the web,

But by the time I got home at 7:30, Jack was already asleep. He had run around alot at the zoo and was exhausted. But he didn't make it through the night. Sharon was up with him at 1:30 and ran out of gas at 4:30. Apparently he was in ourbed talking up a storm and I never heard it. By 4:30, she had enough and woke me. I went down with him, made coffee, took my vitamins, went to the bathroom (he thought I needed my keys there) and turned on the Disney Channel.

A few minutes later, I loked to my right and he was laying down on the couch asleep. I picked him up and carried him upstairs and put him in his crib. He said, "I want Mommy" in his sleep and I handed him a pacifier and he was asleep.

I really am thankful that Sharon was up with him. I can't say I was glad to help; I would have preferred to sleep. We're a great team.
- posted by Unknown @ 5:33 AM

 
There are days where I think she would just like me to have a 9-5 job without responsibiities. Yesterday was a lovely day. Sharon went to yoga. I played with Jack. I shopped for the house. Got Jack to sleep. Read the pper. It was the first beautiful day so I spent time with him in the backyard while Sharon cleaned the garage. He loved the swings. The neighbors came over with theor kids. We talked. They played. I barbecued. A nice day.

Glenn called at around 6 wanting me to check the outline for the Warrior training in two weeks. Her mother called to invite us for the second night of Passover. I made plans for 5:00 to check a location for a site for our August training. I spent 40 minutes revieing the outline. Later that evening, Sha tells me that she's angry with me becuase I should have checked with her.

U hate stuff like that.
- posted by Unknown @ 5:18 AM

 
Sharon skipped class today and spent time with jack and I. What an unexpected joy for me! I say unexpected because I had no idea that she was going to take off and boy what a benefit. I took Jack to class, she did the paperwork tat we have procrastinated about to get him naturalized, he napped, we fucked, we had lunch, fed him, went shopping for a bed for him, had dinner, drove him, and put him to bed. It was an absolutely delightful day as a family.

As we drove home, we made the little guy laugh by pointing out all the pizza places onmn the strip of 110 out of Huntington. All we needed to say was pizza pie and he's break up. But then again, he was already laughing after we sang the bastardization of te old Hebrew school classic, Dovid Melach Yisroel, Chai Chai, Vikai-Yom.

The modifed lyrics, Watermelon, Ginger Ale, Hi Fi. Pizza Pie, made him laugh uncontrolably. It has been a fun day.
- posted by Unknown @ 9:34 PM

 
A cold spring morning with temperature in the 30's. I notice the tingle of my hands as I walk to the train. The rain is pelting me as I wait on an island between lanes of traffic. I usually block out things like this, preferring instead to pay attention to my tasks, rather than myself. But today I don't. I notice that I am too busy and that my mind is very creative. I want everything to work. So, I'm waiting for a call that may not come and working to take care of myself and my family.

I'm eager and excited.
- posted by Unknown @ 12:59 PM

 
I baerly had a minute yesterday to blog before he woke up. Then my day unfolded uneventfully except for that one of the deals I was working on may have blown up and tat I couldn't get home on time because of "police activity" at Jamaica Station that caused the LIRR to suspend service for a half hour.

But yesterday was about something different. It was about what i do to keep myself separate. It came from talking with my friend Bruce about marriage problems that I didn't know he had and discovering that they were serious. It was about something in group that was new to me and discovering that it was an old story for others. Where am I? Why don't people talk with me about stuff?

I feel so isolated and alone when this happens . . . and it's not the first time. Damn I want to cry.
- posted by Unknown @ 5:48 AM

 
I came home early because Sharon was meeting a patient. It has been a while and she wanted the house to appear just right. We ate, got Jack to sleep and I did some work online before re-connecting and talking about the session. It felt good to talk.
- posted by Unknown @ 6:33 AM

 
Yesterday ws a long day for me. Work & two patients. One tried to leave treatment and I think I held on to him. O'll kno in two weeks. On my way home, I caled to speak with Sharon and Jack and Jack kept wanting to speak with me. He would say, Hi Daddy! and ask questions about my day. It went on for four or five minutes with us speaking him giving the phone to Sharon and then wanting the phone back. I helped put him to sleep and then came downstairs to the news of Saddam's death as wel as his sons. The news was shocking as well as the pervasive thought that our President has now become a target for assasination.
- posted by Unknown @ 5:42 AM

 
There was a while that I hated them both yesterday because all i wanted was to be left alone. The clocks changed and I was feeling sleep deprived. And that's not enough because Jak requires attention and play and we needed to hire him out even more becuase with the clocks turned forward an hour, he would otherwise be going to sleep at 9 on the new time. So i took him with me to the store and road him around in a cart in the race car part of it. He enjoyed it but I did less when I was sent back because I bought the wrong sprouts. back we went, returned the ones I bought, the store didn't have mung so we went to a different one, they didn't have it, so i bought canned ones, drove home realized I left them in the shopping cart, drove back got them and drove home again.

My next door neighbor needed help with software he is installing for a wireless network on his computer, I couldn't get it working right but tried for an hour, came home. He was aslepp so we watched the Sopranos and Six Feet Under, made love and talked about being disconnected from one another. How can you be connected when there are constant interuptions.

We woke a few minutes ago and i went to get him milk while Sharon changed his diaper. Hopefully he';; sleep a while longer. he seemed tired.
- posted by Unknown @ 5:57 AM

 
Sunday. The clocks have been pushed back an hour and Jack gets up before 6 new time. I caught up with sleep later and with my son earlier. We put away dishes and I can see that he is getting more "opinionated". "No!" is in his vocabulary on occasion. He hsa always told us what he wants to do and he now is less willingness to take his morning apple sauce within which we add some of his homeopathic meds. He has learned, "Two more minutes," as a coping strategy, today using it to be able to watch tv and play with his penis. I read stories to him and watched tv with him and did all sorts of Dad stuff this morning while Sharon took a yoga class. He's napping now. he fel asleep in Sharon's care while I took a nap.
- posted by Unknown @ 1:11 PM

 
Yesterday was a day with an unexpected surprise. It looks like I'm makinga deal and it will have taken all of a day. This hasn't happened in years. My mood is changing as successes are occured. Although I kept to my Friday leave early schedule, I worked from home and was able to handle a detail on the deal (the second interview did not go off according to schedule) and get it back on track. I helped put Jack to bed, had a pleasant night and went to sleep at a normal time.

Being home early yesterday put me ina better place (physically & emotionally) to do the deal. It all started to happen at 4:45 when I found that the second interview hadn't occured. i tracked everything back, got others to do what they had committed to and behold by 5:30 a deal!

I was able to enjoy myself and my time with Jack knowing that our financial struggle was soon to end.
- posted by Unknown @ 6:04 AM

 
By the time my day ended yesterday, I was a tired man. On Wednesday night, I had co-hosted a networking group meeting and didn't get home until 10:30. The meeting went well and more than 20 people came and participated in the group. Terry and I worked well with one another. I missed a 9:07 train by 10 or 15 seconds puling a calf muscle along the way. yesterday, I was exhausted but allowed myself to go o a Toastmasters meeting. I had never been to one and althtough corny, it was enjoyable.

I got home yesterday and both Sharon and I were dragging. Sharon wanted to go out and look at beds for jack and I played with him and put him to sleep. She came home as I was transfering him to his crib. We continued talking and that felt good because one of the things that we don't do as often is talk. I miss that.
- posted by Unknown @ 5:22 AM

 
I'm working hard but don't feel stressed. Jack was excited to see me yesterday night. As I arrived at the front door, it opened and he was there saying, "I heard your train." We played and ate and he wanted to be picked up.But he was tired and went to sleep easily. I had to make a few runs during the evening when he cried during his sleep but, otherwise, the night seemed uneventful.
- posted by Unknown @ 4:47 AM

 
Yesterday was a long day. I didn't get home until 8:30 after working a full day and seeing two patients. And he was up and wanted to see me before going to sleep. As Sharon said, boys need to see their Daddy's. The day was never difficult nor did I ever push myself hard. I got my tax rettrurns from the accountant yesterday and thank goodness there's a refund coming. A today i'm home ata normal time and can spend time with Jack and Sharon.

There he is. Bye!
- posted by Unknown @ 6:35 AM