A father's life
Wednesday, July 30, 2003
It has been two weeks since I've wanted to write here. Speking with Don Jones today and having him coincidentally mention that he had read my blog encouraged me to return to this. To write of those moments so precious as a father. His gigles as he says, "Dough-Dough-Foot," thinking it the funniest thing in the world.
I have u him to sleep the past two nights. Last night Sharon saw her patient while he and I stayed upstairs. I read to him and helped him get to sleep. The same tonight. I no longer fear the nights where he and I are alone and I have to do things like this. I revel in these times and really enjoy them. It is fun to be with him as he explores, gets bigger and is close to me.
And I leave tomorrow for a few days leading a Warrior weekend. I'm only traveling to Brooklyn but it might as well be Iowa.
Thursday, July 17, 2003
It is amazing.
I received a gift of a shiatsu massage. A 90 minute massage. Haven't had one in several yaers and there is a part of my back that still aches but I feel so much more alive than before.
I went back to the office in the ozone. I knew I was "tight" before I left, both physically and emotionally. I HAD TO do something. I was overworking again and didn't know how to get off the treadmill.
I haven't been able to get my ownrder to work on weeks. My first call, that's what I did.
When it came time for me to go hoime, I almost went to the wrong platform and was genuinely shocked to see the 5:19 still in . . . and at its usuallytrack, evn though I left to catch that train.
Odd how things work sometimes.
Tuesday, July 15, 2003
A decent work day and a funny put Jack to sleep night.
Jack was clearly tired and I got him into bed. Just as I started to lightly rub his feet, he said, "Wait Dady. I get something rfom Mommy bedroom." He crawled out of his bed and came back with a bottle of lotion. I put some on my hands started to massage his feet and he was asleep in two minutes, "reading a book" as he fell asleep.
Monday, July 14, 2003
A moment to luxuriate.
This time in the morning to breathe my own thoughts is delightful. I reflect upon a previous day and can re-connect . . .if I give myself the time to do so.
Yesterday was a lovely day escaping my fears and thoughts. Watching Jack run around. Picking him up. Helping him laugh. He looks like he's afraid to interact with other kids. Like he fears situations like the baby house.
And Sharon was upset yesterday. The impact of my being candid with her about my financial fears the day before and her resulting need to take care of me. We're canceling our vacation.
And, I fear this upcoming training. It showed up in my dreams last night of men leaving, or wondering where they were. I was calm throughout but still apprehensive.
Sunday, July 13, 2003
I was feeling a bit sad yesterday. I hate paying bills even though I have the money to do so. Catching up on two weeks of bills set me off wrong plus feeling like I was behind an eight ball on some of my work stuff bothered me. I still went to Burt & Kerry''s on the Sound and had a lovely time at the beach and having dinner with them. Then I slept till 8, the latest I've slept in a long long time.
Friday, July 11, 2003
These night time staff meetings take alot out of me. I didn't get home until 11 by which time I had worked a full day and worked a full night. The meeting had a humorous component. The room we were to meet in was double booked. As such we moved it to a park a few blocks away. The result was that we were out doors siting in a circle clearing and yelling in full view of the world much like what the training is involved. It pushed everyones button.
Thursday, July 10, 2003
So, now I'm recovering from the loss of the deal. I've got to do one somewhere. I'm anxious because I have no ide where I can do a placement. My website looks good. I'm working on that.
Wednesday, July 09, 2003
Yesterday was an upsetting day. My large deal blew up and I faced uncertainty squarely. I told Sharon imediately and she was supportive. So was Terry who took me for a walk and bought frozen yoghurt for me and was a good friend. So I came home and played with Jack and put him to bed while Sharon did a session with a patient. I went to work at around 11 and woke at 3:45 from a terrible dream where I felt anxious about the prospect of losing my son.
Monday, July 07, 2003
The long drive home. That was the day. The long drive home.
We left Maryland at arouond 11:45 after a stop at Whole Foods to buy some food for the trip. Our car, now full with a cousin of Sharon's and his daughter we headed to New York. Each time we got to a toll plaza, we backed up. Thank goodness for EasyPass!
All the while, Sharon is in the backseat entertaining Jack and the ten year old we are taking home to Long Island. I felt sooooooo appeciative of her efforts to entertain the kids. It was something I could not have done well.
And a mere seven and a half hours later, we arrived home. Jack watched Teletubbies for a a little while and eventualy fell asleep a litle after 9.
I awoke today with an odd dream about returning to work at my former employer,suddenly and almost finding the experience pleasant. The hard part was returning to my current firm to say goodby, to get money owed and say goodby to two people, both of whom I felt as though I was betraying. I know the dream comes because of the favorable award notice I received from the Labor Department. It still felt unnerving this morning.
Saturday, July 05, 2003
It was generally a fun day. Our host acted poorlya few times, preferring to power wash an American flag in the dirty of his patio, rather than help to prepare food for barbecuing before they returned. Unlike last year, I chose to avoid helping him barbecue and left it to him as a way of saying screw you. And the stupidity of his behavior was just born out when his wife came home and was angry with him for wasting time doing it on the heels of doing somethng offensive the day before.
Plus he sprayed his 6 year old with the powerwasher, too, upeting his middle child.
It was like saying to her, I guess Ididn't annoy you enough to really get angry enough with me.
Friday, July 04, 2003
Yep, 4th of July and the lawnmower patriots are riding in the parade the small town we're in had. The ride their lawnmowers up the street and past the people in lawn chairs to the pond they call a lake and stand in the sun and feed their kids junk food and celebrate the day tha men a few hundred years ago celebrated the birth of this country after shedding blood for several years.
I almost forgot the insanity of pulling over the stop yesterday, discovering that I had to close a deal for a consultant without my Palm Pilot with his number, without a pen, without anything other than my cell. It felt crazy, but I did it.
Vacations don't necessarily mean sleeping late any more. I'm up at 6:15 trying to find how to make the coffee. I drove 6 and a half hours yesterday. Jack adjusted very well to all the kids ans we all stayed up late to talk. I feel like an adult again.
Thursday, July 03, 2003
A few days off feel very welcome. We're traveling to DC to visit some cousins of Sharon's and their kids. I really really look forward to being away
Wednesday, July 02, 2003
Roller coaster ride between high mountains into low valleys.
I guess that's how it is again. Work has the excitement of a client who has been interested in a candidate of mine for a high paying job expressing interest and now the job seeker has second thoughts.
I have a few more things in play again as my desk is starting to pick up.
And I'm about to go away for a few days of vaction with the family where I hope the Jack plays with his cousins and gives Sharon a needed rest.
Tuesday, July 01, 2003
I don't know how I can do everything I need to. I'm starting to get scared again about finances because my cushion has become smaller and business is so poor for me. The potential for salvation lies with my old company and collecting money that is due to me from there.
At work, I felt so good yesterday, yet nothing is showing up on clients whose jobs I can work on. I've got to make more of an effort.
