A father's life
Monday, March 31, 2003
Yesterday, I couldn't post my thougts because at the hour that I wanted to, I couldn't access my blog. It pissed me off because I was so tired because jack woke me at 4:40AM, I wanted to cry from exhaustion. Instead, I went to my desk and worked.
Most of the day, I sleepwalked through. Sharon got him back to sleep at around 5 but I couldn't get back to sleep. I had been squeezed out of my spot in bed and couldn't sleep on the couch. He eventually woke officially at 8 just as Sharon left for yoga.
I entertained him until she got home and together we went to the Long Island Children's Museum where he ran around alot going from one place to another.He fell asleep on the way home and by the time he worke, I couldn't keep my eyes open. I gave into to taking a nap even though I feared that it would make it hard for me to sleep. Today is a long day where I have my session at 7:50 and work until 7:30--two patients tonight. Gotta go.
Saturday, March 29, 2003
I'm finding that I can only take a few minutes once a day to do this because other things are more important than recording the details of my life for you. I'm trying to write business, prepare for a workshop on Wednesday, be an attentive father, a competent therapist, prepare for a New Warrior Training Adventure and conscious of myself. Conscious of myself seems to be last on line too often.
This morning I'm sacrificing time at school with Jack so that I can respond to a letter from the Labor Department pertaining to a claim I made against my former employer, Steven Wolfe of Objective Solutions International. When I left there, he attempted to cheat me out of comissions by hiding a collection of a deal I made and by making claims that I had exceeded my holiday and vacation time. So, he deducted commissions. Well, the Labor Department has already denied that nonsense and now I have to write to them about a few other bits of nonsense that he is claiming.. All of this over a few thousand dollars.
It annoys me that I have to waste time in this way. i would rather be with jack and Sharon today at school but I want my money.
Friday, March 28, 2003
Another night o the couch. I hate nights on the couch becasue I miss sleeping next to Sharon. I wake up earlier when I sleep down there but often miss being awakened during the night by Jack wanting to play becasue he wakes up and is wide awake. Those nights are rough on Sharon and easy on me.
I left my office a little early because it was Mark's birthday. The plan was for me to get home at 6, take Robin's car to Meroke and drop it off for inspection and be at Mark & Robin's early. The plan was blown apart when my train passed my station, stopped and announced that they were sorry but that the train would not be stopping in Merrick.. Arrgh!
Sharon picked me up and we dropped the truck off and got there in time for Jamie to be hyper, demand attention and help make dinner one of those unpleasant occasions that only kids can make dinner. We rushed through dinner and came home, got Jack to sleep.
I hate nights like that
Thursday, March 27, 2003
Yesterday was a good workday but a non-family day. Jack and I played for a little bit in the AM, but I never saw him after that. At work, I felt like I did alot of good stuff. I closed a deal; one situation that I covered for Terry while she was on vacation, where the applicant turned the job down,became a placement. I felt very proud. Althought I still have some trepidation about what we are going to do at the networking night next week, I believe that it will be a success, despite any amateurishness we display. Now, I just wish I could sleep a bit more.
Wednesday, March 26, 2003
As I was riding on the 5:40 train last night, my ell rang and it was Sharon. We had ahad a fire last night and the fire department had come to put it out. One of the coils in the electric stove had cracked and flames were rising and first the police and then the fire department came. The kitchen had a coat of film and Jack was scared by the men who came. He described them as big men. No damage to the house and fortunately it is just the coils that need replacing, not the entire stove.
I wonder how this will affect him.
Tuesday, March 25, 2003
Could it be my luck is turning. Got a call this morning from a client wanting to bring another person back for a final interview. To possible deals out of no where. Damn, I've worked hard for this! A Sharon got a call from someone who wants to be a patient! It is so good for her head to be able to work as a therapist.
The little guy was playful this morning. He stands between my legs in the morning while I eat my cereal and he watches the tube. I don't have a lot of time but I sure enjoy him.
And the war in Iraq goes on. I hardly watch the news.
Yesterday was the longest day. I never saw Jack. He had been up the night before until 3 AM so he stayed asleep until after I left in the morning. I only heard him once on the phone. I took my usual train and spoke with the woman who rides the same car as me about weekends and planting before we each settled into our newspaper (me) and book (her). By the time I got to the office it was 8:45 and Terry was there. So I helped her learn what had happened while she was away. I then discovered that the deal I had hoped for had fizzled and I was back tom square one.
But good uck may be shing because an applicant I had interview yesterday morning was invited back yesterday afternoon for a second and it looks like he's going to get a job offer that he'll take. That feels sooooo good. I hope I get an easy one.
Monday, March 24, 2003
I've enjoyed the past few days with Jack but yesterday was another story. It started out well enough. Sharon wet toa yoga class. he and I played here. I was goig to use the afternoon to do some catch up work. Just as I was starting, Sharon started to get upset that our front door lock was broken and had to be replaced now. All of my frustrations about being inept at home repair, ot having time to do what I need to do, a getting pissed off that she went to a peace demonstration the day before surfaced with me yelling. Jack, of course, got scared.
So they went out and I became the locksmith. The first lock I bought had a defective part. I returned it and got a second one that was for a thicker door than ours. I innstalled the third oe but turning the cylinders was like turning concrete--way too hard. They came home, Sharon wet to Home Depot, picked up a fourth lock that I installed in 10 minutes. While she was out, Jack and I sat. I was very tired and angry and he kept wanting to turn the tv off that I wanted to stare at in an effort to reconstitute myself (or so I told myself).
I explained to him that I had been angry before, not at him, but still angry and that I was sorry if I had scared him. I don't won't knop what damage I've caused for some time.
In the mean time, all the time that I had set aside for work was gone and I still have to do it.
There are days and circumstances that are so
Wednesday, March 19, 2003
I saw him early yesterday and saw him in the evening yesterday and missed a new triumph that he had both times. Jack has been helping to put away the dishes from the dishwasher for some time now but he hsa added a new wrinkle.
On Monday, Sharon was in the bathroom and heard him in the kitchen doing something, a different sound. When she got out, she found that he was on the kitchen counter putting away glasses in the cabinet now, standing on the counter so very proud. He now gives himself nose spray, puts together the puzzle pieces (this is something I helped him with) and puts away glasses.
And last night, I gave him his bath and put him to sleep. He giggled during the bath as a cleaned under his chin. Then I read a few stories to him in bed before turning out the light and having him fall asleep. I transfered him to his crib and had some down time until Sharon got back from yoga.
It was a good day because I did a deal. We're less tha 24 hours until Bush's ultimatum time to Saddam Hussein is completed and we give ourselves the right to go to war. I hope we're OK.
Monday, March 17, 2003
We went to a park yesterday with Sharon's sister, Robin and her husband, Mark and their kids. We took turns watching the kids play (or chasing after them as they played) as the other would talk. Eisenhauer Park was very crowded on this Sunday with temperature in the 60's and Jack started running off in different directions. I was afraid that he would run away and we'd have trouble finding him.
And it is hard to balance family time with my other responsibilities. Even yesterday, I had to work and catch up on stuff and pay bills and my computer is slow so everything takes too long.
Saturday, March 15, 2003
He's napping.
I enjoy the time I spend with him and enjoy and appreciate the time I spend when he's taking a nap. When we first met a year or so ago, I didn't know quite what to do to comfort and nurture him. I was all thumbs and had trouble being a Dad. Struggled with diaper changes. Couldn;'t understand what he was trying to tell me and had to have Sharon translate for me because I couldn't understand his grunts and speech. It's different now and his notice of that difference is noticed by me too.
While Sharon is at class on Saturday morning, he and I spend time together before his school and nap time. He stands between my legs and watches tv. Crawls in my lap as I read to him. We play at school and he looks for me if I'm not near by. It's a good day to be Jack's father.
Friday, March 14, 2003
I spoke with James this morning about married life and fatherhood, sharing our respective challenges. Each of us has a wife, bored by motherhood. Can you imagine someone not be fullfilled by staying home and raising a child and subjugating all needs and wishes to a kid?!! And we each spoke about our analyst and got to talk. One thing I know is that when I open up, I feel better even when I'm talking about stuff that's unpleasant and uncomfortable. That went on with James. It was nice.
I left at around 1 to meet Sharon and Jack coming back from Manhattan where they had an appointment with Susan Lin or Dr. Susan as Sharon calls her. I have been feeling better and getting better results as I have lightened my office load. Jack was in the back and wanted Daddy time. I couldn't give it right away because of a committment I have to work o a new web business idea, but at 5, I cam e downstairs and we played until he crashed at 7. Again, he was soooo adorable, asking me to pick up up and kissing me on the nose. He's never done that before.
Why do couples come together for one reason (love, lust, care and relationship) and turn that into a business unit? It was something James and I spoke about and something that's hitting a chord with me. As much as I love Sharon, our struggles this past year have left us with little fun time away from Jack. Gotta change that.
I hope he's well enough to go to school tomorrow. It's picture day, but more importantly, it's Dad's day with Jack while Mom goes to school. It's hard to keep up with his energy and I love spending time with him.
I got in last night and Jack greeted me with a. "Hi, Daddy" and asked for me to play the opposite game with him. It's a game where you match pieces like a puzzle. We played for a while and went to the kitchen for the lst of the dinner preparation.He said, "UP," wanting me to pick him up. Then came the magic moment.
"Love you, Daddy" and a kiss on the cheek. We never solicit this kind of behavior from him so what a happy surprise for me.
The rest of my time with him was so happy. More hide & seek, then the bedtime ritual. Then Sharon and I enjoyed dinner with one another, discussing her lack of happiness in her life, her interest in returning to work part time in the fall. As much as she loves him, she wants some more to her llife and rightly so. I'm glad she doesn;t want her life to be second fiddle to his.
Thursday, March 13, 2003
This morning right before leaving for the closing on our house re-financing, Sharon and I found that we had a miscommunication over where the closing would be and, thus, how long it would take to get there. She thought it was at our lawyer's; it was at another's a few miles further away. I apologized saying that we had a miscommunication and that I'm keeping a lot of balls up in the air.
On our way home, I really appreciated that she thanked me for handling as much as I do. That she didn't want to re-create her parents' financial history with us and that it seemed like all she did was take care of Jack--like that isn't plenty by itself. G-d, I love her and her awareness.
In the morning before, I let her sleep a while longer because she had been up with Jack until 1:30 (He woke up after I came home from group last night). We played our games including a particularly fun version of Hide & Seek where he and I ran and passed one another from the font door to the kitchen. His laughs and giggles were terrific.
I feel hope. Hope that we will ride out the financial storm. Hope that I can make some of my ideas work wthout taking a large toll on me, my health, my relationships, etc..
Wednesday, March 12, 2003
re are early mornings where I want to hide like I sometimes do when I am presented with problems. Jack has had a cold the pst two nights so I have slept on the couch, allowed to sleep becuase my job is to make money and, although I have been doing it poorly, we keep the facade up.
Ah. Here he is.
Bye
Sunday, March 09, 2003
Seeing the world through new eyes.
We walked to the bagel store (slowly) and the entire world was new for Jack. Every snow pile had to be walked on. Every car acknowledged. Every airplane noted. A stick was picked up and put in his mouth (blech!). The excitement of everything being new.
And, for me, I am tired and have much to do. How life became a series of burdens to be surmounted is something I am not certain of but it sure feels that way this morning. He's inside with Sharon who is trying to help him nap. As i hear him squal, "NO," I feel badly for both of them and am happy hiding here for a while.
Saturday, March 08, 2003
He woke at 6, around the time Sharon was getting up for school. We played with his games this morning even as he put up with me spilling a cup of coffee in the playroom and having to clean it up. He was in a Wiggles mood this morning and watched two episodes before saying, "Shut it."
The best was at school where he was more verbal there than he has been. He arrived and wanted the fan turned on and watched it spin. He did his arts and crafts project constantly talking throughout. After that, he seemed tired and definitely was. He played hard today and fell asleep in the car on the ride home. Opening his eyes briefly as I carried him upstairs, he closed them, then opened them crying for his pacy as I put him in his crib. He has slept there for the past two hours. Shar will be home soon and I keep peeking out the window expecting to see her walk down the block.
There she is!
Friday, March 07, 2003
I left work at 1 to do some work from home on my website. When I came home at 2:30, Sharon and jack were in the kitchen having lunch and Jack seemed happy to see me. He wanted to play with me and we did for a few minutes until Sharon helped to whisk him out to the children's museum to give me some space to work.
When they came back at around 5:30, I played with him for a while in the playroom, hide & seek, played his games. Then, we played follow the leader with me leading for a few minutes. He thought it was so funny!
I feel so happy being adored by him and I adore and love him, too.
Thursday, March 06, 2003
Spending a few extra minutes wit Jack this morning was terrific! I wonder if he's getting up early so that he can see me in the morning. No matter, he was up early and prowlijng at my desk for a while while I showered. We came downstairs and played games for a while but nothing we did this morning was better than the half hour last night when he giggled so hysterically while Sharon and I moved each time he played harmonica. The little guy had such belly laugh giggles!
Each day I see something a little different about him. He's sooo curious and has such a great sense of humor. He makes funny faces, likes to play with me. There's so much that's adorable about him.
Today, he told Sha thaht he wanted to speak with me. So she called me on the phone and he says, "you first." She talks to me for a while and then he says, "Orange! Home late? Choo! Choo!" Three simple phrases that say thjat he has eaten an orange, wants to know if I'm coming home late on the train. He's great.
Wednesday, March 05, 2003
I feel so energized!
The work day has been busy, Geico got the deductable for the accident back from the other insurance company, we might close next week and it feels good. I'm working hard, have people going out on interviews and will have time over the next few days to spend with my family during the evening. PLUS, I'm seeing a new patient tomorrow!
It starting to feel like my ideas are back flowing again. The networking group seems like it can be popular which means some cash comes in beginning next month.
Sharon's support always feels key to me. This morning, she called the Ford Agency to see what would be required to have Jack do modeling. She talks to her sister about doing paid childcare for her She's a doll!
And the little guy missed me last night and only wanted time with me. It felt great!
Tuesday, March 04, 2003
Money has gotten tight. I've spent a year earning very little and am running lower than I would like. I'm starting a networking group next month (hopefully), have turned my website commercial and have Sharon's blessing to come home early once a week and work on converting a good idea I have to writing so I can submit a patent request.
I love her and really appreciate how she and I are a team. She called today and told me that she would take on her sister's child care to make money. I have such mixed feelings because it shows that I'm struggling and need help that I wish I didn't need. And the little boy just keeps being happy.
I wonder how he'll be affected by sharing Mommy's attention for part of the day. I wonder how I'll be affected by her working. I wish. I wish.
And I wish I was more successful at the office again.
And it has become the next morning because I had a lot to do yesterday afternoon and evening. I scheduled a bunch of interviews with with clients, spoke with Maigul by telephone and wished her a safe trip home (She has to travel for 24 hours our time to get home and then has to go right to work), worked to find more people for clients and spoke with a number of firms about jobs, saw a patent last evening, traveled home, helped Jack get to bed and then went back to promoting my website via email.
Jack is up and Sharon was trying to hand him off to me but I would like to take a few minutes here.
I still am finding it hard to keep my balance between all the things I enjoy and don't know what to surrender. I enjoy my family, I'm trying to improve work because, frankly, I'm not makinng a living, I really don't spend much time with my men's stuff and need to market my professional self in a few new ways to bring in some money. I guess that means I have to work very hard for a while.
Monday, March 03, 2003
I'm glad I saw Gerry this morning because he has affirmed that my scrambling in what feels like disparation is a smart strategy. I have certainly been feeling emotionally crazed at times and this helped. I've got people to schedule for interviews. I'll write later
I couldn't get back to the blog yesterday after the funeral or the party. It was an emotionally wild day. First seeing our friends and all the mourners at the funeral. It was wonderful to see Riverside filled with people celebrating him. As requested, not everything was somber. There was laughter about Gary being a poor driver, tears as Daniel and Gary's kids spoke. Why do people have kids speak at funerals? I understand that they may want to, but it all seems so horrible.
I drove quickly in a driving rain to get back and get Sha and Jack for the Bar-Mitzvah. He slept on the short ride over and, again, awoke in a daze, just like on Saturday. He clung to us during the candle lighting, but once we were seated and he ate a little bit, the boy starte to explore. He walked upon and down between tables, visited with friends of mine, started to bop on the dance floor attracting friends of mine to him like a bee to honey. People of grandparent age enjoyed him tremendously and many commented about his cuteness.
And then we came home and he went to sleep at 7ish so that we could watch The Sopranos and Six Feet Under. Maigul had a bad date and came home after we went to bed.
I like writing this to stay in touch. With so much going on, kt's hard to stay connected with myself. This is helping.
Sunday, March 02, 2003
Today, I have go to both Gary's funeral and my other friend, Gary's, son's bar-mitzvah party. Saying good-by to Gary is something I have been dreading because dispite all the advice and good words, I still have accepted taht death is inevitable but, now that I have something to live for (my family) and become afraid that it might happen too soon.
Quite a change in energies to go through today.
Yesterday, Sharon took jack at 4:30 when he awoke and let me sleep until 6. She left for class at 6 and Jack and I went to a Bar-Mitzvah at a few minutes past 9. He fell asleep in the car on the way there but work in his carriage by the sound of the amplified service. Matt, Susan, Glen and Neal were there and we sat in a row with the first three. Jack didn't know where he was so for about 20 minutes he stayed close by. Then he started to venture out and circle the synagogue running to the back down the center aisle, crossing to the outside aisle that we started from and back to our row. It happened more and more frequently. Then he started to speak louder. And louder.
We eventually went outside of the room where the congregation was praying and a few pre-teens were curious about him and asked questions about him. Smiles were consistently present throughout the morning from congregants and we eventually left at around 11:30. It was an interesting confrontation with my desire to control his behavior and his natural desire to explore his surroundings. When he became inappropriate fro the environment, we left; before then he was free to do what he wanted and was steered from situations where he could hurt himself or other's stuff.
He napped briefly and had lunch; we went to the park and eventually fell asleep at 3:45. I woke him at about 4:45 for fear that he wouldn't sleep the night. His tears were so unusual, I put him back to sleep which he did until 2:00 AM. In the meantime, Sharon, Maigul and I had fun watching Saturday Night Fever and looking at old pictures of me and my get ups and different looks over the years.
At 2 when Jack woke up, I took him downstairs and watched videos of bear in the Big Blue House until 4 when he seemed tired enough to go to sleep. I brought him back to Sharon and slept on the couch.
