A few days later and we feel differnt. Whereas Sunday we felt isolated, today we feel close. We had dinner last night without Jack and spent time talking; some about him and some just having fun. And despite Sha having been up with him during the night for several hours, we were still bale to be caring for one another and not harmful to one another or our relationship.

He seems to be getting a little better. An ENT Sharon took him to said it wasn't a sinus infection. His breathing has been better and we both spent some time playing with him tonight.

I'm home for the NEXT 5 DAYS. Last weekend was horrible. I'm hoping this one is much better and expect it to be so.
- posted by Unknown @ 10:07 PM

 
This was not a weekend for the record books. Yesterday, I spent a lot of time indoors with Jack while Sharon did yoga and a few errands. By the end of the day, I was sufficiently exhausted and depressed, that Sha suggested I go out for a while. I went to Walmart (how depressing to spend a Saturday by myself in Walmart and then went to see The Last Samurai (terrific). I came home at midnight to find that Jack was still up. I read to him for a while, then put him in the car until he fell asleep where he usually does--on the loop of the awantaugh that is almost all dark.

This morning up at 7, Sharon and I spoke and it has become pbvious how differnt we are becoming as she explores Buddhism and I get depressed from Buddhism. I decided not to go to the center, prefering instead to iron my shirts rather than sit in meditation today. She felt rejected and angry, yet it was a preference for me thaht made sense. A dozen shirts were sitting for weeks while I started running very low.

Yet she felt rejected and I felt relieved by not going to meditation. I don;t want to spend my life purely in contemplation. I want to apply myself to help others use my skills and talents yet, I'm left feeling down when I spend time at the center with her. I also don't care for most of the prayers. They seem like poor translations that have no soul, just words.

She came at around two and we gave Jack another nebulizer and ran a few errands, trying to make some contact while still feeling separate from each other. It feels sad to me. I miss her.


- posted by Unknown @ 7:56 PM

 
I'm not a real flexible guy and yesterday was proof of that yet again when I had trouble adapting to having a day off and being with my sick son.

And it was fun spending time with him but in the afternoon, i had to shift gears from working on my company's books and shift to rushing him to the doctor to have his breathing checked because Sharon was concerned, I struggled and had trouble coming back and being present.
- posted by Unknown @ 6:19 AM

 
The day after Christmas and the day after vising my parents with my family. Both were well-behaved toward me and toward Sharon and Jack. My Dad seems like he's preparing himself to die. He is just completing radiation treatment for a re-occurrence of colon cancer and is continuing his chemo. When he spoke about his brother who dies quite a few years ago, he went off in memories and when I asked him to tell me the memory he had, he spoke of how his brother helped him get his education when he was young In the past, he never spoke about these moments.

I'm having trouble preparing for his death. It may happen soon or not but when a man is in his 90's like he is, he is closer than further away. For years, I wanted to prove something to him and no matter what I did, there was always a new question or problem or contemplation taht made my preparation uselesss. These days, his attempts to pick at me don;t matter.

I hope he lives longer.
- posted by Unknown @ 10:16 AM

 
It was a sweet day yesterday. Made a deal. Lost an opportunity to do another one. Came home early and lit Hannukkah candles and gave Jack a present and enjoyed playing "Go Fish." with he and Sharon.

As the holidays continue or approach depending on your religion, work has been calmer and less taxing. I know that will change in another 2 weeks so, while this is going on and there is nothing I can do about it, I'm just doing what I can do to make the most of it.

I was home before Jack and Sharon were so I was waiting for them when they got home. He is so joyous when he sees me. There is never enough Daddy time and that feels great!
- posted by Unknown @ 6:07 AM

 
I started the day leaving before Jack was up but having had a few minutes with Sharon. I rode inwith my train buddy, but skipped my morning meditation. I arrived at work and found out that I had lost a small placement I made and got scared that maybe the things I'm working on would fail. But as the day progressed, I heard that an offer was being crafted for one person and that I did a deal on another. I arrived home, had a nice dinner with Sharon, Jack was a bit tired but stayed up enough for me to play Candyland and to come with us to BJ's.

The store took back the DVD-VCR player that I bought a few weeks ago taht had been eating up tapes, even though I didn's have a receipt or a box. I replaced it with a more expensive Sony and it had an easy installation. Jack fell asleep on the drive home.

I am very appreciative for my friends and family. I noticed how smoothly everything went a BJ's. They took the product back and then, when I returned with the Sony, they checked me out at customer service so that I didn't have to wait on line. And Sharon and I talked a little and that helped too.


- posted by Unknown @ 5:09 AM

 
Ah!

Yesterday, Richie reported to me about teh potential deal and seemed like he was in my corner. A couple of the rookies started to work on my jobs. Terry and I had lunch and had fun. Ed, Terry and I joked and had fun as a team.Jack and I played. I had a conversation with IRS and someone there was helpful by getting my EIN number cleaned up, mentioning that my sorporate return was not linked with a filing and payment and then committing to fixing it when it was found. Paul was willing to make a donation of dinner for two for Jack's school. Hal reached out to me when he needed someone to speak with.
- posted by Unknown @ 4:25 AM

 
By the end of the day, I was exhausted. Yet Sharon was there with Jack until he fell asleep at close to 11. She got him running around earlier. She eased his crying when I woke im badly from his nap. She made dinner. She is a wonder!
- posted by Unknown @ 6:00 AM

 
How easy yesterday was.

It started with a smooth ride on the train with my train buddy and a good meditation. It continued with a quiet office day, scheduling an interview, helping someone with some advice abvout alternative services taht they as an out of work HR person cold use to locate a position (they didn't fit what my client wanted).

Being told that I would be doing a deal on Monday, the possibility of two more shortly after that, coming home a little early and spending time with Sharon and Jack and playing with the little guy and hearing him giggle as I picked him up and swung him around.

Yes, it was a nice day!
- posted by Unknown @ 6:49 AM

 
Another nice day of good things. My company's office party brings attention to how nice it is to work at my firm. Speaking with Tim Piter yesterday and simply sorting through our schedule for leaing trainigs next year, hearing of his wife's pregnancy and discussing his ideas for supporting men in our community and my mentee Neil was sucha pleasure.

Everyone I spoke with did what I expected them to do yesterday.

I came home and Sharon reported on her day before going to her class. Jack wasa lot of fun, too. He beat me at Candyland twice and got to sleep in the car, lettting me carry him in. He was so happy to win!
- posted by Unknown @ 5:53 AM

 
At group last night, I spoke about how difficulkt it is for me to feel happy because I am scheduled so tightly. I decided that for a while, I would right about some of the nice things of the day when I first awoke.

I am appreciative for my group and the ability to speak freely there.

It was nice to come home last night and be greeted by a son who was happy to see me even if it meant that he was up at 10:30 when I got home.

I am happy that I beleive the job market is turning back and that I am about to be able to help a lot more people than I have in a long time.


- posted by Unknown @ 4:27 AM

 
My birthday was yesterday and it was a wonderful day. How I celebrate birthdays is so different now than what it used to be.

I used to have "Birthday Week." I would go out with many different women and celebrate.

Now, I came home from work a little early on Friday because of the large snowfall in New York. I found that Sharon and Jack had cards prepared for me. Jack'shad his drawing on it because he can't write yet. He wanted to give me my presents, so as I was handed each, he told me what was inside (coffee, a book, and mala beads). We laughed together.

Yesterday, Sharon and I were going to the meditation center for the day for an empowerment so I spent a lot of money on baby sitters and the fee for the day and put a candle in my non-fat ricotta cheese (with Sweet & Low and vanilla extract--I'm on the South Bech Diet) and he and I made a wish and blew it out.

He fell asleep as we were coming in and woke at around 7PM so he stayed up until after 11. Sharon gets the early nap in case I can't get him down and she has to be up with him during the night. But I got him to sleep and came to bed at 11:45.

And if you check the time stamp of this blog, you'll see I'm up early to spend a few minutes with Sharon before she heads off to class. Unfortunately, she's locked her car keys in the car and is waiting for AAA to help her.

I feel pleasant and happy and only slightly strained from tension.
- posted by Unknown @ 6:11 AM