A father's life
Monday, June 30, 2003
It was the kind of weekend I needed. I worked, I played, I had some fun, I rested, I slept. On Saturday, we went to the town pool and met another couple there who Sharon has become friendly with (they have two adoptive kids). We hung out, I did some barbecue, Doug and I sat a round after and got acquainted. It was nice.
On Sunday, I slept until 8:00!! I haven't done that in a year! I was awakened by Sharon asking for help with a mouse taht was caught in a trap in the basement. I captured it in a box and took it from the basement to a spot in the backyard where I released it. We went to a pool party with the Buddhist community that she has become involved with. I met an old Warrior friend there and had some fun. Overate but had little for dinner. It was fun!
I'm ready today.
Saturday, June 28, 2003
I'm sad and depressed and need to be talking more. At work, I felt so angry and frustrated that I lashed out at an applicant because they were about to take a job and not go on an interview. I can use some happy time.
Friday, June 27, 2003
It was a rough night. Sharon went out and Jack wouldn;t rest and I grew weary and withdrew from him. He knew I was mad and tried to be nice to me but I had already expressed my frustration by how I handled him when I took him from bed. I read to him downstairs, but one of the books I didn't want to read so I tossed it away.
He knew and I feel guilty.
Thursday, June 26, 2003
He was feeling much better. By the time I got home, it was obvious how much better he was feeling. Hardly coughed and was smiling and playing like before. He went to sleep late but slep in his crib. I was so happy to be able to sleep in my bed and touch Sharon, foot to foot.
Well, his bed wasn't deliveed because the store ordered the wrong mattress.
Wednesday, June 25, 2003
He has been a very sick little boy. Sharon took him to the doctor and his lungs have been congested and he's back on the nebulizer. Taking a dose helps him breath for a feew hours and what's cool is that he is good natured about it and about taking his breathing herbs. He fell asleep on the couch last night in front of the tv.
Toay his bed comes. I hope he uses it soon.
Monday, June 23, 2003
He's an unhappy little boy fighting some bug again that leaves him feeling miserable. I feel so badly listening to how pathetic he sounds
I again took care of Jack yesteday while Sharon attended a baby shower in New York. I enjoyed the day, taking Jack to the Long Island Children's Museum and playing with him there and running after him. We left after more than two hours and he fell asleep in the car on the drive home. Sol and Arline came over about an hour later and Arline played with him after he work giving me a break. Jack and I played out doors after that and I tired at around five needing to come inside. Sharon came home a little after that. Thank goodness! I was out of steam.
And, also nice was finally converting our financial records over to the new computer and starting to get everything upto date. The difference in speed is soooooooo striking.
Saturday, June 21, 2003
It's 9:30 and he's still not asleep. He's in my bed with Sharon and tonight I'm tired enough to resent him. Sharon has a bridal shower tomorow so I have another day on. I'm worn down.
What has been interesting has been an online conversation with an English man in the Men, Love and War convesation that webLab is hosting. IT is interesting to debate and argue online and notice your reactions
I'm still tired. Jack still has a sore throat and the pain of his throat has made him less consolable. The result is that after a hard day of work, I came home to a little boy in alot of pain who only wnated to watch tv, didn't want to go to sleep and inconsolable. I felt badly for Sharon, knowing what she must have been though all ay and bad for myself knowing that today and tomorrow I'll be caring for him while Sharon is out. I get little rest except for on the train.
Friday, June 20, 2003
I'm tired today. Sharon went to see the guru she has been seeing last night with her sister despite Jack having a crying jag al ittle before she left. His throat still seems to be bothering him and he cried and cried as I was arriving. I think he was also hungry and finding something that he could eat with (apparently) little or no pain was a challenge. He didn't want his usual stuff so, with creativity, I found two things that worked--soggy Cherios in milk and gefilte fish!
Getting him to sleep was also hard. Again a car ride didn't work but, I read to him and gently stroked his leg just like Sharon taught me and he was asleep--but kept waking every half hour for the next hour and a half with crying. At that point, I went to sleep on the couch and Sharon took over. I wonder what happened next.
Thursday, June 19, 2003
He couldn't gt to sleep until after 10. We drove around in the car for 40 minutes, trying to use it like a lullaby to help him sleep. We all went out and , after doing a circle in the car of about 3 miles, Sharon thought she could do better than me driving so I was droppped off and she was unsuccessful. When I saw the car pull up, I opened the door and heard, "Hi, Daddy!" It was about 9:30 and he was up until after 10 before falling asleep. But, he woke at 11:30 and 2:30 and 4 howling. Rough night, particularly for Sharon.
Wednesday, June 18, 2003
I didn't have time to visit here yesterday morning because no sooner did I come up the stairs (I slept on the couch again), the little guy woke and I went to play with him. He had a high fever and slept with Sha so I was on the couch. The day evolved pretty well; I had picked up a consulting client and found someone for them who they interviewed and seem to like. I came home and although Jack was still sick, his mood was better/more like normal. I went out for some Calm Child, a health food store product that helps settles stomachs; Sharon cancelled her patient's session. Good thing that she did because at around 9, Jack woke froma sound sleep with what we think was a belly ache, threw up, cried intensely and, after taking Calm Child, went back to sleep.
Ah, the wonders of natural products!
Monday, June 16, 2003
So, after blogging yesterday morning, I made enough noise to be heard and Jack came upstairs with the sweet Father's Day card from him, and Sharon gave me the nice and the funny card and the gift of the hedge trimmer. I puttered for a little while before Sharon returned from an errnad where Jack esaped from her line of site and she found him by the door of the bagel place. She was freeaked out sufficiently that I watched Jack for a while until she returned from other errands. We went to her aunt and uncle's home for the annual Father's Day party and spent time with cousins and their kids who we enjoy a lot. Jack ran around and climbed and fell asleep in the ar on the way home, woke up at around 10:30 enough to move him to our bed. Last night, I didn't mind. It's what fathers do.
Sunday, June 15, 2003
Fathers' Day and Fathers' Day weekend.
I keep having WOW moments and am happy. Yesterday, we took Jack to her parents' house. Mine have long been out of the pictue because they would not accept Jack as a grandchild. This beautiful happy boy could not be accepted because we did not have him circumcized. My brother compared him with terrorists and suicide bombers. I can only conclude that my brother is angling for a bigger inheritance cut.
So, we went to a one day meditation retreat and sat through several long, and for me, physically uncomfortable meditations. Today, I woke and was given my cards and a present of a hedge trimmer, something I actually wanted.
Fatherhood carries many different pleasures. If you've found this blog and are considering fatherhood, stop thinking about it and do it. It has been extremely hard work to balance my career responsibilities with those of being a good father and there is incredible joy in helping him evolve into the wonderful boy that he is.
Friday, June 13, 2003
The last minute sleep on the couch wasn't too bad last night plus I got caught up on some non-financial computer upgrade stuff. I'm a little tired and have the networking group this afternoon. I'm glad that it's an afternoon rather than a night time thing.
Thursday, June 12, 2003
No coffee this morning and a late night and I walked into an unairconditioned office today. It got going in the afternoon but by the end of the day I was extremely tired and frustrated. As much Business development work as I am doing, I'm not getting results yet. I really believe I will but I haven't yet. Then I came home to a $4000 credit card bill, part computer but $800 of medical and she's not following through when I ask to limit charges. So, a few minutes after I speak to her, the credit card company's fraud detection firm calls to verify charges and says, "we're called because you're charging a lot." They were an ally at that very moment and that was great.
A simple night at group and I feel better emotionally even if I am tired physically. I still haven't picked up a new job from a potential client in over a week but I'm out rtolling for jobs and that's a good sign. I finally feel like I have my own behaviors in order and if I keep doing this will achieve results. Tomorrow is the networking group and it seems like we'll have a good house there.
The night before, I paid bills. in my check book, I found a check that I had made out but not put in the envelop. Citi waved the late charge, but I felt so stupid because I had kept mental track of this bill for two weeks and there was the check. What is right is to remember to slow down. Jack has added so much work to my time and I need to be enforce room for stuff around family finances.
Wednesday, June 11, 2003
I did my job but it felt lifeless. I was met at the train and Jack was cranky to say the least. And I was hungry. I needed to do some work last night and he needed attention (to say the least). When I feel overwhelmed, I shut down and I don't want to do that.
When I see my little boy smile, when I hear him ask for Daddy, when he does the million things he does, I enjoy him. And then there re nights and times where I need to get away.
I realize I'm tired and need some. I'm doing the job but without life. Worse yet, being at home wasn't fun and I don't want my attitude to infect my home.
Monday, June 09, 2003
A calmer day to say the least. Jack slept till about 7:00 and so did I. I felt physically tired and spent some time working on my computer getting some things working. A new sitter came by around 4 as Jack and I were playing in the backyard. I'm still amzed how sweet a boy he is and at the same time worried that he will become a "Mamma's boy." That thought comes to mind because of how tentatively he responds to new situations. Yesterday, it was when our neighbor and her daughter came by and invited him into their yad to go on the swings. Jack started to cry inconslably, even after wandering their himself.
The new sitter tries hard and seems good with kids. Jack started talking to her pretty easily and played well with her. That means tonight, Sharon can go to her retreat and I can see a patient.
Sunday, June 08, 2003
Too much driving yesterday.
We went to a baptism in pennsylvannia. We left at 10:45 to get there at 2:00PM. Got there at 10:15 because of traffic merging on the New Jersey Turnpike near 8A. Bumper to bumper on a rainy day for 10 miles just to sit in more traffic. Then, once at the baptism, Jack doesn't know to whisper in church, nor does he take direction about it. So I took him outside and, after a minute or two, that didn't make him very happy. The family whose daughter was baptized was terrific and the party afterwards was fun with other Kaz kids there who are getting to know one another through regular visits.
The we drove back, picking up Sharon's nephews who were going to the Met game today with their grandparentsWe left Pennsylvannia at 5:30 and it took almost three hours to get home. Thank goodness they played with Jack because he certainly had been under-exercised yesterday. As wound up as he was, I read to him and Sharon rubbed his feet and he got to sleep pretty easily.
No driving today!
Friday, June 06, 2003
Boy! I just saw I hadn't been here in several days. Each time, there was something that kept me from being here related to the new computer. No web access for a day or so. Getting the data migrated. Jack getting up early. Tough schedule!
At work, I feel a little stuck. After having had a roll where everything I touched worked, I'm now in a situation where what I'm touching is slow moving. I still have a large deal going where I can make over $30000 for the one placement. That would be sooooooooo good.
Last night, I missed being with my family to be at a meeting to pepare for the August 1 men's New Warrior Training in New York City. It has been a vision of mine for several years to have one in NYC itself, rather than in a camp around New York. It felt very exciting again to sit in a circle and speak of the vision and explain some of the logistical differences between a weekend here and one elsewhere. Mark was there and will be on staff and I got a ride home where we talked. I got in late (around 10:30) but that was still a half hour earlier than if I took the train.
