A father's life
Sunday, March 26, 2006
I had not been able to reach him for several days. That in and of itself was not unusual. Yesterday, I reached my mother's health, Sasha, who they refer to as "the Polish woman." Her English is poor and I though she was telling me my mother was in the hospital and "she was not good." I called the local hospital and asked for her room; she was not there; I then asked for my father's room and he was admitted.
It should not have neen a surprise to fund him in the hospital. Several years ago, he was diagnosed with colon cancer; after chemotherapy, it was stabilized but began to metastasize to bone . . .and then to his lungs . . . and now to his brain.
Three weeks ago, when I brought Jack to visit with me, he was fine. Tired at midday as he sometimes was but completely lucid. This past Tuesday, my brother called and asked for a phone number. 10 minutes later, no one was yet on the line and my brother hung up and drove to find out what had happened. He found Dad wondering outside with his cane saying, "I need to get farina for Mother."
He has become disoriented, As I visited, he could interrupt himself mid-sentence and sit quietly for a while, seeming to try to remember the word he was reaching for. My Daddy is almost gone. He has 3-6 months to live.
My mother may have Parkinson's. She has expeienced back pain for several years and is now spending most days asleep. As tough as she has been, she is not fighting; she has surrendered and is waiting for her inevitable ending.
My visit yesterday to Dad was hard. When I arrived, he was finishing dinner and his false teeth were out. I had only seen him that way once before and that was when he was post-op after the first colon cancer diagosis.
His mind is weakening. he stayed in his chair as we talked, asking the usual questions, "How's business? How's your boy?" The stuff he has asked me about thosands of times.
This time was different. He's close to death and we have so little time.
Again, I thanked him for being a good Dad and kissed him on the head that is betraying him. I have so little time.
And today, I prep for my colonoscopy tomorrow, my heart heavy because I have already lost them both.
Monday, November 28, 2005
Monday after Thanksgiving
Through the darkness, the sounds of talk were unmistakable. It surprised me to hear people talking at 5:45 AM. Yet the fact was Thanksgiving weekend was ending and men were getting into their cars and trucks to return to their work.
So, the tail lights backed into the street and then pulled forward and down the road leaving behind families and hopes and turned down the state road, away from home and Thanksgiving.
Saturday, November 26, 2005
There are more mornings than not that I feel like crying with joy.
Since moving to Milford, PA, I now get up at 4:30 (or earlier) each day to commute on a 6AM bus. I leave work at 3:45 to be on a 4:35 bus and get home at 6:30.
I love it!
I love the town and the area. Sharon has it pegged that I now have a vacation home 365 days a year. And Jack likes living here. He's thriving in his school and it's so pretty!
I bought an SUV last week. With the sale of our house being a few days later, I didn't have money yet to buy the new truck yet I drove off the lot with a new 2006 Honda Pilot with only a commitment to pay for it by December 3.
I took my old car in for an oil change, mentioned tat I was referred by someone from town and was treated well. Nice!
I went to the local Wachovia Bank to re-sign up for online banking (I handed confirmed my account access within the 21 days specified) and after waiting while they completed with another customer, was not trated like an idiot as I might in Manhattan. It was a pleasure!
So today, we're going to the Buddhist Temple in Glen Spey for an empowerment and day of meditation. I feel so alive.
Monday, October 31, 2005
Im blogging in the dark
I’m blogging in the dark on a bus to a hotel.
We’re staying at the Best Western in Matamoras while our house is being painted; last night, it was at the in-laws. I wish we were at home tonight and tomorrow but we saren’t. We opted to do this instead of staying with Arline & Sol in order to keep Jack in school and on his schedule. There are so many things to do and so little time to get things done.
Yesterday, I resolved to have some fun and watch the Giant game wigth Sol. I needed to remember to rest, rather than always be on the go. I want to visit my parents soon. We need to close on the house and get the new car. I want to start a second business providing expert advice on job hunting.
O, tonight, I’m blogging on the bus on my way to Milfor, looking forward to the time when the house won’t be in shambles.
Tuesday, October 25, 2005
What I love
What I love is coming home to this house and to my family.
Last week, I felt so run down. The pressure of this move, keeping the workload up, taking care of Jack while Sharon was abroad, worry in general, got me to a mpoint where I was too pooped and to feverish to do much of anything.
Saturday was a day of rain and shopping. We got a late stop and had lunch at Paneri Bread in Middletown New York. The onion soup was lovely, the sandwich was OK and I ran out of gas easily.
Yesterday, rather than go to meditation, I stayed home and took it easy. It was a smart choice. I felt much better yesterday and better today and, although I still have the cough, I’ll go to the doctor later in the week if it doesn’t get better.
We’ve just gotten off 84 in Matamoras and I’ll lose signal soon. I love it in PA.
Tuesday, October 18, 2005
Today everything is working right
Today, everything is more comfortablr on the commute. It seems that Monday morning/the weekenders fill the bus heading home after the weekend. Today, we’re pretty empty. We just stopped at the park & ride somewhere in New Jersey and the bus is not full. So I’m blogging along, my keyboard at a decent angle to work with.Ah, second park & ride! I hope no one sits next to me. I think I’ll make it. So far, so good. Uh, oh..
OK, someone sat next to me and it’s not so bad. The seat in front is upright.My mug just fell and I thought I lodt my work.
I can’t get on mail2web this morning so some of my time will be wasted. I’ve got to exchange my bus tickets. When I called Short Lines, I was told that a monthly could be used any time. No one mentioned an end date, let alone that they would be back dated to further limit their use.
Su as I sit here with an hour to go on my trip, I feel so appreciative of what Sharon is doing to make our new house a home while we wait for our erstwhile contractor to come tonight. Saturday, he called to say that he would be at our place in an hour and ahalf and then never showed up or called. Talk about a red flag for substance abuse!
She has put clothes of mine in closets while hers remains in boxes tro make sure that I can get at things I need in the AM.
She made dinner for me last night; she’s dri\ving Jacl to and from school every day until we sell the old house, have cash and can buy a new car that can house a car pool. She’s spending a lot of time with Jack while I’m on the bus. And, when she realized I was up this morning, she got up to spend time connecting with me before I left for work.
Smooch!
Monday, October 17, 2005
The first morning commute
The first morning commute. Laptop on the bus, I head to New York from our new home in Milford, PA. We moved last wek in thye middle of torrential rains that made our creek sound like one where people went white water rafting.
I’m doing contortions with my laptop to blog this morning. The bus was 10 minutes late and is now full but, when all is said and done Oh, yeah, I mistakenly set the clock wrong getting up an hour earlier than I should have.
The wireless network is slow in the past of NJ I’m in now and its also fun to see how my son is growing up—smart, fun and, when he’s tired, he doesn’t listen for shit. Aquick tiff in the store and he cries for Mommy.
And he was a doll at meditation yesterday. I enjoyed thye teaching, although I missed part of the meditation with nodding off. I’m pushing myself mentally and physically and am hoping that Sharon locates the box with my Androgel so I can starft taking my medications again.
So as I sit on the bus about 45 minutes from Port Authority (if the schedule is right), we pass Ho-Ho-Kus and I’m hopefl that this move and all the associated gyrations will work out.
Tuesday, October 11, 2005
I promise
I promise.
I promise to be quite so reactive and develop more proactive behavior.
I keep responding to stuff and not attacking life and work.
Jack does stuff and I respond. I’m following, not leading.
Ugh.
Monday, October 10, 2005
Im so tired
I’m so tired.
Sharon has been away since last Tuesday afternoon and I’ve been Daddy on Duty. I’ve had to take off from work, keep track of work, be a father and I’m beat,
My mother-in-law has been a great help by just opening her home to take care of Jack one night letting me get to the office on Thursday. But here we are on Monday and thank goodness you’re coming home.
I find it so hard to turn off work and be because my work doesn’t turn off.
Friday, September 23, 2005
Less than three weeks and we'll be moving. Each day that ticks off the calendar is one less day of congestion and one closer day to a beautiful life in Milford, PA.
Jack and I have spent some time together during the evening since i came home from Detroit last Friday. I told him last night that there re many times that I don't know what he knows how to do because I am missing these moments of mastery while I am at work.
"So you don't know that I can do . . . " I don't remember what he said.
"No, I don't," and then went on to praise his mastery of what he was doing.
I am an absentee Dad because of my work responsibilities. It is easier and harder. I look forward to spending time with Jack tonight and tomorrow.
Tuesday, August 16, 2005
Home for a week and we're back to normal . . . whatever that means for someone with a very smart active child. We're going to be moving to Pennsylvannia soon and to a home taht I'm looking forward to living in. The financials of the move are terrific AND I'm going to have a long ommute in the morning.
What I see is that as Sharon and I work as a team, we make good things happen in our family. When we don't speak or connect, I know I feel alone and like a drone.
Jack is so smart and quick and so energetic. he craves attention and I need to give him more. It may be time for a Jack and Daddy day on the weekend and take him to the zoo or to a museum. Maybe Saturday is a zoo day!
Sunday, July 31, 2005
They've been away for more than a week and I miss them. I'm doing a l,ot of work and that looks lilke it will pay off, but I don't know how to use my donw time any more.
I've visited my family, I do more work, I've spent time with Sharon's family, gone to a movie and worked.
They are back a week from today.
Tomorow is my anniversary and I'm glad Sharon and I spoke yesterday so that I could wish her a happy anniversary.
And I hpoe the house sells soon because I want to move on to the next part of my life in Milford, PA. I truly find Merrick ugly and crowded and look forward to somethingh less congested, even if it means more commuting.
Saturday, May 07, 2005
Too much!
My parents are dying. My mom has been ill for several weeks. Dad had the need for her having back surgery. Her recovery has been slow and she is suffering from "dry mouth" that preceeded her medication. A week ago, he called saying that she had lost the will to live. Visiting, she had times where she was confused. She spoke Polish to me, thinking I was Dad's brother.
Dad has stage four colon cancer. Enough said. He's now caring for awife who is racing him to the grave.
Jack wants attention from me and Sharon wants to sit ojn a meditation cushion as much as possible so when I come home she often leaves to go her center.
I's leading a New Warrior Training Adventure that celebrates 10 years of NWTA's in New York. There are a lot of details with that.
Work is crazy.
I'm not sleeping well, having to wake during the night to piss and the having trouble getting back to sleep.
I yelled at jack today. After 3 hours of him refusing to dress himself, he knoocked over my Digimemo and papers from my desk. I yelled, "STOP!" and he started to cry. All afternoon, he told me he loved me as a way of making up with me.
I saw "The Interpreter" this evening and liked it. Great pacing. A welcome break.
Saturday, March 26, 2005
Get busy living or get busy dying.
I've been dying slowly for some time. I've known it but haven't been able to put words to it until now.
G-d, it feels good to understand and to break the chains that are enslaving me.
On to life!
Monday, February 28, 2005
Dear son,
I'm glad you've gotten better. I miss playing with you and having fun with you. I've gotten involved with work (again) because I've had some struggles there lately. It doesn't mean I don't love you. I want to make life as secure for you as I can.
Dad
Wednesday, February 09, 2005
I've got a cold that has been hard to ignore all day. I went to work and came home, picked up some Chinese food and after cajoling Jack, we sat down as a threesome.
"Mommy, will Datty come to my pahty."
"Why don't you ask him Jack." Sharon looks at me and says, "I didn't mention anything to him. He's asking you on his own."
He wants me at his birthday party at school!
I can melt.
Saturday, January 15, 2005
Some days feel sweet. I woke this morning and installed a desktop search tool and found two letters tat Sharon wrote to Jack before we adopted him. I felt very sentimental to read of her adoration for the idea of Tayir.
And then today was the last of the home studies we committed to as part of the adoption. He talked in a whisper during the early part of the hoime study and it was funny for a while and then frustrating. I got him to talk by playing with him.
He's a cutie.
Sunday, November 21, 2004
It's beena while since I sat down to blog about fatherhood. I'm fortunate that Sharon is as committed as she is to being a good Mother and not harmful. to Jack. At times, I'm disinterested in being a Dad, at times, I love it; I times, I'm overwhelmed by it.
Today, Jack started to come down with something--the cough has been creeping up the past few days and today, the high fever hit. This morning, I was at his school doing stuff that I don;t do around my own house--cleaning gutters, raking leaves (although I'll do that next weekend), straightening the toolshed, cleaning floors.
And, I've started to write my sports book.
I was at Toastmasters this week; it was good to take a break as I have been doing each day and just take in the oxygen of life. As much as I enjoy beinga headhunter, I'm bored by it and have lost my passion for it.
Saturday, October 02, 2004
At our meeting this Wednesday, I didn't make time to work and committed to writing to you all about the summer.
I am struggling with being a father. The love part I have down, the day-to-day of being a father is hard. Most mornings, I wake at 5:15; do yoga, read an online newspaper, take the LIRR, red or meditate, get to my office by 8:40, delete spam, skim the hundreds of emails I receive each day, do some modest business development, try to see why I am modestly supported by people in the office and what I can do differently, try different ideas, leave no later than 5:19 to be ona 5:40 train (some days, earlier) come home, try to connect with Jack & Sharon, play with Jack, give him a bath and maybe put him to bed.
By then, I am too tired to be much of anything. I may do some more yoga, watch tv, fall asleep where I am.
For the past few years, I have hosted several employment groups on Yahoo; one has been #12 in its category; a second #14 in the same one; the third is not highly ranked. They have helped me to do business and helped many find work or consulting assignments.
This week, I was locked out of my Yahoo account; I thought it was an error of some sort and wmailed customer service; their response: they have the right to do this and won't tell me what I might have done to cause the action unless they are compelled to do so (Translate: Sue us and we'll tell you). In these days of spoofed email addresses and phishing, it is stunning to me that they would act this way.
Is it possible that i did something wrong? Yes. Is it probable? No. The inference in their email was that I violated a privacy rule which I could not have done.
I've led two weekends this summer, the largest one ever done by Chicago where I had the priviledge of holding and being responsible for the same staff that Lindgren, Greenwald and every other leader who has led a Chicago training has held. I also led in Windsor-Detroit where I helped the three local co-leaders become re-connected after years of sniping.
I have finished ten speeches at Toastmasters, with most focusing on death and life, two topics that have become particularly maningful to me as I accept the notion that my father has entered the last year of his life. Dad is dying; he has stage 4 colon cancer, untreatable with chemo or radiation treatment; he is receiving a new cancer drug designed to slow the reproduction of cancer cells, not cure his cancer.
I still hold out the long shot possibility of my father successfully guilting my brother to the NWTA in two weeks with the hope that we can begin a process of reconciliation after more than two years of non-contact. And it's not probable.
My life feels overwhelming. I'm doing better at work and I'm feeling overwhelmed with the various responsibilities of life. The result is that i am following the familiar pattern of sacrificing my own needs for others.
So, as I write this morning, I feel depressed. Sad.
Thursday, September 30, 2004
I took the summer off from my men's group and returned for the first time in 3 months and was greeted with projections & opinions. I felt good seeing everyone and then when we went into the clearing round (clearing the emotions/opinions that keeps us separate and acknowledging their historical roots, I got caught by a man who judged that the only reason I was there was because I had to and wanted me to prove to him I wanted to be there (something like tat).
I declined and that led to soeone standing me up and saying that they didn't trust me (because I didn't accept the other man's premise and coddle him by acceding to his request).
I paused and then blasted back who the hell they thought they were to project this crap on to me and expect me to operate to a different standard as others. What the hell did they want from me when I have told them of my struggles and my responsibilities to my family before when this had reared its head previously.
I come to group to be ordinary--to be a guy--and not to be dumped on. And lateer a man said that some former members and me were becoming the brunt of jokes--the ones about me involved my absenteeism and their opinion that I was using the system.
And then when I came home and Sharon tried to speak with me, I got made (and wide awake) when she kept suggesting that I might have been missing something, frustrating me into wakefulness.
I understand that these men want me there more often and if my circumstances were different, I would be. But they are what they are and I am choosing just like the others, to take care of my professional and personal responsibilities first.
And what I want is to be appreciated for the effort I put in so many places to serve so many including myself.
Monday, August 02, 2004
I've been up since 3:30 when Jack walked into my bedroom and said, "Daddy," in the tired achey wayhe does when he wakes during the night. I invited him into bed and he could sleep so I set him up in front of the tv and couldn;t get abck to sleep myself.
So here I am!
Sunday, August 01, 2004
I hope he's not sick.
My anniversary. Five years together and today we're apart. It's OK. She called from England early and I spent the day with a sweet boy who became soooo tired that he's struggling to stay asleep.
And I worry that I'm incompetent as a father; am I caring for his physical needs properly? He is insatiable about wanting to be with me and tomorrow I pack him off to grandma for two days until Shron comes home Wednesday.
And I feel like I'm fixed on making life special for the moments I have left however long they are and helping people see that, too.
Saturday, July 03, 2004
There are days and times that are clumsy and so it has been the past few days. We spent a few days in Western Mass, mooching off a timeshare company, attending the pitch tat was supposed to be 90 minutes that became three hours! Jack was still on nebulizers so he was off the wall, polus he got an insect bite while we had dinner with a friend and is leg blew up. He was crazy all weekend and after listening to him yell at us for several days, I finally got to apoint where I had enough.
We came home and he started to take pictures off the refrigerator and put them in his Big Red Car and I had enough and put them back on the fridge. He had a melt down. Sharon wanted me to apologize (Dady, tell Jack it's OK . . .No, I'm not going to do that. He needs to know what he's doing is unacceptable).
She comes upstairs to tell me that she had been looking for "adult support" Excuse me, you just insulted me. What he did was not acceptable and I'm not going to pretend it is.
I can see Sharon will tolerate any behavior and its my job to establish limits.
Friday, June 25, 2004
I am soooo grateful.
Jack was crying in his sleep, kicking and unconsoleable by me. Thank goodness, Sharon was home. I was able to get him back to sleep last night . . .but not tonight.
I am soooo grateful.
Jack was crying in his sleep, kicking and unconsoleable by me. Thank goodness, Sharon was home. I was able to get him back to sleep last night . . .but not tonight.
Thursday, June 24, 2004
Financially, things are getting better. The labor receession seems to be ending; I'm booking more business and starting to collect on deals I've done.
And, it's not enough.
I feel like I'm sacrificing myself for my family and need to get some balance into my life.
Saturday, we went to Nassau Colliseum to see a Dragon Tales show. A talented cast. The kids loved it and it gave me a chance to take a nap that I really needed.
It's summer and I've hardly been outdoors because each night I come home (but not last night) I'm in some way involved with Jack's care. I guess the real thing is that I don't have much "jeff time".
In two weeks, I go for re-certification to lead weekends. This Sunday, Jack and I visit Mom and Dad. My father is dying a slow death from colon cancer. He's taking a new drug to slow the growth of cancer cells. Every two weeks, he goes into the hospital and has the drug iv'd into his system. A rarely sleep much past 5AM.
Where is my life going now? Where do I want to steer it now?
Monday, June 07, 2004
Last night, I watched The Sopranos and went upstairs to relieve Sharon. She had kept Jack upstairs so I could have one hour with my favorite show and keep him away from the violence and (potential) nudity. She went to bed then, after all, she had been up with Jack for two cosecutive nigts and was exhausted.
We rolled a ball to one another and he played with blocks in his room and then said the magic words.
"I'm gonna build a Big Tower just like Daddy."
WOW! The things that touch my heart that come from his mouth.
Tuesday, June 01, 2004
Welcome home, honey.
AS much fun as the past few days have been, nothing compaes to the feeling of Sharon's return from Manjushri where she attended a mediatation retreat led by Geshe Kelsang Gyatso. She left Thursday night and returned Monday at around 10:30.
I enjoyed the two days alone (jack statyed at Arline and Sol's home the first two nights . . . and I missed him while he was away. And nothng compares to the feeling of her return. Seeing her smile. I missed her alot.
So what I am reminded of is how much my family my life are entwined with me and my happiness . . . Thank goodness. And how supportive so many people are to me. Arline and Sol for putting Jack up those two nights, Mark and Robin for having a barbecue to have an activity for us while she was away, again Arline and Sol for having us over so that we could be closer to the airport to puck up Sharon. These are obvious ones to me.
And then Glenn showed up telling me that I had won the Ron Hering Award from New York for service and then sharing a story of his father's military service.
My father is having surgery tomorrow to make it possible for him to take a drug to help him extend his life. A nurse will administer it every other week. I don't knw how much longer I'll have him or my mother in my life. I appreciate the time we've shared the past few years.
There are many clients who have helped to sustain me these past few years of struggle.
I am a fotunate man.
Tuesday, May 18, 2004
Demand for IT Contractors Rising Slowly - Computerworld
News Story by Thomas Hoffman
APRIL 05, 2004 (COMPUTERWORLD) - As corporate revenue growth steadily improves this year, spending on new or backlogged IT projects is also expected to increase.
But with IT staffs running lean following three consecutive years of cost cutting, many companies will look to domestic IT contractors to help supplement their project teams, IT executives and analysts said last week.
'We're seeing a little bit of an uptick in demand for contract labor,' said Tom Pohlmann, an analyst at Forrester Research Inc. in Cambridge, Mass. Pohlmann cited a December 2003 survey of 364 North American IT decision-makers conducted by Forrester that found that 52% of respondents plan to use a combination of internal training and IT contractors to help make up for a shortfall in IT skills this year. Only 22% of the respondents said they plan to increase their internal IT staffs this year.
Still, U.S. companies appear to remain tentative about launching into new project spending as they await further signs of an economic recovery.
For instance, Digerati Solutions LLC, a Babylon, N.Y.-based systems integrator, has noticed a rise in interest in new projects, but that hasn't yet translated into new orders, said Dan Hof"
"People are more encouraged about the economy, but they're not knocking down doors yet," said Hoffman.
Lack of Urgency
Carl Schulz, a principal at Delta Corporate Services Inc., an IT consultancy in Parsippany, N.J., concurred, noting that the lack of urgency to start new projects—along with the increasing use of lower-cost offshore labor—has led to continued downward pressure on IT contractor fees.
PGA Tour Inc. in Ponte Vedra Beach, Fla., is planning to increase its domestic IT contract spending in two areas this year. The professional golf association will tap contractors to support IT infrastructure improvements and to help develop and implement a digital-asset management system for managing more than 35,000 hours of archival video footage, said Steve Evans, vice president of information systems.
To help make upgrades to its servers, networks, desktops and operating systems, the PGA Tour has brought in eight contract workers for a 13-week period and is planning to retain four of them for an additional 13 weeks, said Evans.
Because of its continued revenue growth, GE Real Estate in Stamford, Conn., hasn't reduced its IT investments or IT staffing levels for the past four years, said CIO Hank Zupnick. Still, the company plans to continue to use contract workers to help supplement its own IT staff for large projects, he said. This includes the use of six full-time and two part-time Java contractors to help with the development of a new property management system, Zupnick said.
I haven't takn time for a while to sit here and blog about the day. Jack has gotten older and my parents, particularly my mother, have come around and actually started to like him. We visited on Saturday and my mother sincerely had a good time playing with him.
On the other hand, colon cancer is killing my father. He will have surgery soon to allow him to receive a drip of eloxatin. It was hard to find seconds to sit with him on the visit because Jack wanted o play with me. Yet when we sat, it felt good to thank him for being a good Dad and to see him noticeably moved.
My Dad is dying. What does that mean to me? The man who has been my safety my entire life will be gone soon. My mother soon after him. My son is my future and I want to make sure it is golden.
Saturday, May 08, 2004
A lifetime is not a long time, although we delude ourselves into believing that we are eternal. Three months until we arrive on site is far less and the time has come for us to hanker down to get this August weekend ready for the men who will trust that we have something worthwhile for them to listen to.
My father is in the process of dying; he has been treated for colon cancer for six months--radiation, chemotherapy have done nothing. Surgery to get a different medication into him will occur soon. He, my mother, my brother with whom I do not speak and I are each in our own way preparing for his death.
He is 90 and the life expectancy of someone at this age, so my father reminds me is less than one year.
Time runs out on all of us at sometime; in the meantime, we waste too much time with things that are unimportant.
The wind, one brilliant day, called
to my soul with an odor of jasmine.
‘In return for the odor of my jasmine,
I’d like all the odor of your roses.’
‘I have no roses. All the flowers
in my garden are dead.’
‘Well then, I’ll take the withered petals
and the yellow leaves, and the waters of the fountain.’
The wind left . . . and I wept, and I said to myself,
“What have you done with the garden that was entrusted to you?”
---Antonio Machado
What are you doing with the garden entrusted to you?
Wednesday, April 28, 2004
KIND WORDS
Speak Up For Your Rights
"I Guess They Find You Everywhere"
The author wishes to remain anonymous
Edited by Shmuel Greenbaum
Printed with Permission of http://www.PartnersInKindness.org
I am the kind of person that people look to for help and friendship. I must admit that many times I get too involved.
One day recently sticks out in my mind as being particularly frustrating. A friend who is separated from her husband and really doesn’t need my help was taking up a lot of my time at the same time that many other people were bugging me with their problems.
I went out to buy a greeting card at a farmer's market. I was reading the cards in the card isle when I heard a vo! ice say "hello can you help me?"
I thought "now what?" There, next to me, stood a disabled person with braces on his legs. He had a small problem reading and he asked me to read some cards to him. So I helped him. "It is so funny," I thought to myself, "what is wrong with me that everyone wants help from me? I am a two time cancer survivor, unemployed 40ish woman not a very important person in this world what can I give a person like this?"
The funny thing about it is that all that he wanted was my time. My new friend was so happy and excited to find a special card for his mom and a small gift of a poem written on a scroll. As he went on his way my husband came up behind me and smiled and laughed and said "I guess they find you everywhere" I replied "I guess they do" as I went to the register and paid for my purchases.
"Speak Up For Your Rights"
From: Kindness: Making a Difference in People's Lives: Formulas, stories, and insights
By: Zelig Pliskin
Printed with Permission of Shaar Press
One of my students asked me this question:
I’m afraid that if I view myself as a kind person, I will have to give to others all the time. I am happy to help others whenever I can. But I don’t like the idea of having to give in to the demands and requests of anyone who wants anything from me. If I find myself in a situation where there is a conflict of interests between what I would like and what someone else would like, do you mean to tell me that I should always give in and never assert my rights?
We definitely have a right to stick up for our rights. But always do so with respect for the other person.
If you have a question about whether or not it would be! proper for you to act a certain way, consult with an objective authority. But in principle keep in mind that we are not obligated to give in to the unreasonable demands of another person. Even if a demand is reasonable, if you will suffer a loss you don’t have to automatically give in. Since there will be many dilemmas in these areas, it is imperative to find a wise and experienced authority to consult.
Some people find it difficult to speak up for their rights. To overcome their reluctance to do so, they might react with out of character aggressiveness. It is exactly their tendency to avoid speaking up for themselves that could cause an angry outburst. Speak pleasantly and respectfully when negotiating for your rights.
While no one wants to be taken advantage of, for some people it is a super high priority not to be considered a sucker. The very thought of being taken advantage of makes them shudder with mortification. It is important for them to make it an equally ! high priority not to speak disrespectfully to another human being.
When claiming your rights, be careful to do so with a pleasant tone of voice. Even if you are upset, make an extreme effort to speak in the way you would wish to be spoken to.
Some ways of expressing yourself are:
• "Perhaps you didn’t realize it, but I was here first."
• "I’m afraid that I can’t agree to this."
• "I hear your request. But at this time I am not able to say yes."
• "I’m sorry. The terms that are offered do not make it worthwhile."
• "I’m certain that if you were in my shoes, you would likewise turn down the offer."
• "I would like to give you what you want, but circumstances don’t allow for it."
• "Please don’t do that again."
• "I appeal to your sense of justice and fair play. Please respect my rights just as I will respect yours."
One of my students told me! the following:
I would let others treat me like a doormat. I felt that I was doing the righteous thing. Then an elderly scholar who saw me being taken advantage of told me, "Every situation is a test of our character. Even how we speak up for ourselves. Failing to defend your rights would be a sign that you don’t feel good enough about yourself. Sticking up for yourself aggressively isn’t proper. Be assertive and be persistent. And do it all with a sense of mutual respect."
Hearing this from a righteous person gave me the knowledge that I had a right to defend my rights. Even though I was strongly criticized by my adversary, I realized he was speaking from his bias, rather than stating a valid position.
Sunday, March 21, 2004
From my friend>>>>>>>>>>>>>
My high school friend, and the only friend I have from "my teenage years" called me yesterday. Lila moved to Holland with her husband and adopted daughter about 8 years ago. We lost contact.
Lila called to tell me that she is dying. She is in Stage 4 Cancer.
Two years ago, the doctors removed Lila's lung and after the surgery, she developed a staff infection. The Dutch physicians wanted to prevent her remaining lung from collapsing, so they created an infection which would cause pleurisy. They would attendto the healing and the plan was for her remaining lung to attach itself to a part of the body to prevent that lung's collapse.
Well, her lung collapsed anyway. She convalesced for 4 months in a special care unit.
Lila and her family moved back to the U.S. this August and her husband took a job in Atlanta where they are now living. Recently, Lila went in for a routine check-up in for something that looked suspicious. Lila could tell by the doctor's face; it was cancer.
Lila found out that the original diagnosis was not completely correct. To the best of my understanding, the doctors missed it. She had/has a type of cancer that is found in the esophagus- it has spread throughout her body -she is terminally ill.
Lila is in Stage 4-she takes Oxygotin to ease the pain.
I asked Lila why she hadn't called me sooner. She assumed my number had changed. Yesterday's call was just a fluke chance she said. I purposely never changed my phone number because I was hoping one day she'd call. Our phone call picked up where we left off without missing a beat. I was glad she couldn't see my eyes swell with tears on the other end of the phone.
Lila always had a beautiful head of auburn hear that I envied. When I was out partying and "living it up", Lila got scared of my destructive lifestyle and backed away from me.
But we were similar in so many ways. We both learned to be self-supporting at a "too early age" and we worked our way through night courses at college. Lila attained a Masters Degree in International Finance, taught at West Point, SUNY and was a esteemed professor at an international university near Amsterdam where she lectured on International Finance and International Accounting.
Not bad for a girl who came from a broken home; not too bad for a girl whose father used to raise his hand to her with a belt; not bad for a girl that was emotionally abandoned. No, not too shabby for anyone. Indeed.
When I see Lila, I see myself. She is the good, the strong, the stubborn, the bull headed, the self supporting. the know-it-all, sarcastic impatient, ambitious, scared Little Girl I am.
Now we both have to be bravein our own ways. Now we both have to grow up and face all of life. Now we both know we are not invincible. We have to let go and let God. And now again we have each other.
T.
Tuesday, March 16, 2004
What fun!
Yesterday, my friend Alex was given the priviledge of setting up a VIP night at the Intrepid Air & Space Museum in New York and invited our group and our family to come. This entire retired aircraft carrier-museum open for 30 or so of us to play.
Jack loved standing on the deck of this small section of the museum where he could turn a ships wheel and have the platform sway from side to side, just like on a boat.
We were pirates. I was Pirate Daddy and he was Captain Pirate Jack. He was in love with the experience . . . despite being frightenened by the Shrek billboards across the street from the museum. He fell asleep on the ride himoe and woke up this morning wanting to play with Daddy and wanting to have breakfast with Daddy and watching me leave for work.
What fun for me.
Monday, February 23, 2004
There are days taht are exciting and hard all at once. Today felt like one. I kept going all day and into this evening. Doing my job. Paying attention to the little boy I love. Helping in the house. Finishing the prep of financial records for the accountant on Wednesday. I ma annoyed that at this time in life I am still doing lots of doings and have little time to just be.
Even my work with MKPI (outside of leading weekends) has become annoying as to much politics is causing me to decide to leave active operations nationally.
We are making our way through this, hard as it is sometimes. I battle to thrive, survive and love and often loving is the most difficult of them all.
Saturday, February 21, 2004
I have been feeling very tense again. I rarely rest and am on the go from te time I wake until I sleep. I made the mitake of getting involved with some politics in my men's organization and it has been eating me up. Stupidity is rampant and my opponents have drunk the KoolAid.
So, my friend, Terry, gave me a terrific gift yesterday. She waslked me over to the spa at teh Madison Towers Hotel on 38 Street and Madison Avenue for a massage that just loosened me up and put a smile on my face. Sauna. Shave. Massage. Hot flor afterwards. I walked out relaxed even though my musles tooka beating yesterday and, as happened last time, I came back to the office and did a great job on the phones and picked up a few new jobs to work on.
==============================================
Why am I so concerned about being right about things? This stupid argument within my men's group over whether to mandate multicultural training for less experienced men than myself seems ridiculous. And there I am trying to prove my point and getting grenades launched at me.
Wednesday, February 18, 2004
"All of us grew up with the expectations of others and those expectations usually led to some sort of manipulation and eventual shaming, and then shadow did its part in order for the child to survive. In the course of events, one person becomes more, and lives numbly in their pretend world. The other becomes less and perhaps 20 years later finds himself/herself in therapy or on the guts carpet fighting to live wake up and believe in themselves. I can clearly speak about my own wound and the expectations that were placed on me. That was my experience. But I am not alone. I have watched about a thousand men do their own work and the expectations of others and or the ?expectations? of oneself have played a part every time."
Sunday, February 15, 2004
After I published this last blog, my system died. I called Gateway and asked for support and couldn't re-install XP. I have worked desparately to resusitate my system but XP wouldn't re-install, I needed to back up data and reformat my drive. I'll figure out how much I've lost tomorrow; in the mean time, I've spent a good part of the holiday weekend on my computer trying to save fuiles and re-store them.
Tomorrow will be telling.
The file I published Friday evening is not one that I wrote. Written by my friend Snake Bloomstrand, it just ripped me apart on so many layers--I'm 53 and wish there was a venue where I didn't have to compete with the 20 somethings who want to kill me off; I wish culturally, I could coach them instead of needing to always win. I mentor three people now but reeive a small pittance for doing so.
And then there's the feeling of beinga 53 year old father of a threee year old. It will never end. I will always work.
Friday, February 13, 2004
I have had the great privilege to lead workshops and council individuals around the world for the last 15 years.
I have observed and worked with thousands of people as they stepped into positions of leadership. I listened to their questions and watched as they worked to overcome personal and professional obstacles in order to succeed.
I have worked with people taking their first steps into leadership, and those at the top of their game.
People just starting out are easy, the lessons are predictable and information plentiful. The individuals who fascinate me however are those at the top of the ladder, the questions they ask are seldom written however shared in
common by many leaders.
How do I deal with the isolation I experience?
Where can I seek council of peers who would understand my dilemmas?
Most often the question I get from leaders is "The money is good, my position is assured, I feel good about what I do, but "Is this it? Where do I go from here? What comes next?"
Our culture has a golden ceiling located above the glass ceiling so often referred to, once the top rung of authority has been reached, and compensation has reached extraordinary levels, many face the prospect of what to do next. Pressed against this "Golden ceiling" the prospect of retirement, the imagined goal of the young becomes less
appealing. As we age, years spent learning and developing mature discretion desires a place to be applied. Money accumulated over years of hard work is easy to spend. But how does one spend the maturity that was banked at the same time? Where can one find the market that uses wisdom as currency? This golden ceiling bars us from the market of wisdom.
Sad to say, many powerful men and women faced with these questions have retreated into self imposed exile, finding many places to spend their money but few places to spend their wisdom. Compounded by the fact that
knowledge gained running a particular business or machine is not always wisdom but often craftsmanship. There are hundreds of thousands of individuals who fit into the category of "Craftsmen leaders" but the distinction
between craftsman and master is important and rarely examined. We must begin to separate the two if we hope to pierce this Golden ceiling.
Craftsmen learn to master specific tools and discover the limits of the medium they work in. Master Leaders are never limited by a specific skill set or medium, wisdom is their tool of choice. Years of learning to identify the difference
between principles that leave a lasting legacy and those remembered with regret are a product of self reflection and leads toward wisdom, we also begin to recognize that wisdom has few adversaries and is rarely competitive.
Years of introspection results in the ability to see oneself and others honestly. A completely different animal than the one craftsmen endeavor to tame, the craftsman works to influence the outside, the master works to awaken the inside.
Master Leaders are identified by who they are more than what they may have accomplished. What principles and ethics have guided them throughout their lives? Have they managed to blend hard skills with a commitment to core
beliefs? Have they remained honest and forthright in the face of money and power? Have they risked losing for what they felt was right?
I don't believe in perfection, no one ever achieved a position of leadership on success alone.
The ability to see mistakes as an opportunity to learn after honestly looking at the regrettable consequences of their decisions is also the mark of a Master leader. The world is crying out for master leaders to take their rightful
place, a role that transcends the sometimes limited positions of professional life. A hunger for leaders who will take a stand for the good of all is hinted at daily in-between the lines of our newspapers.
Role models of compassion and wisdom that possess the strength of character to take a stand for higher principles and ethics is possibly one of the deepest hungers in the world today. We often look to others to lead the way, but what if that Master leader is sitting in your chair right now? What if the hunger the world suffers from
could be satisfied by you?
So let me bring this back to ground, the hunger I speak of is felt the world over, it crosses gender and racial divisions, regardless of age we all can identify with the yearning.
I will tell you a story of initiation, although this story is somewhat romanticized it taps into a time where our culture first began developing many of the social structures we live with today.
Initiation is simply a threshold, there are many moments in our lives where a decision needs to be made, we let go of an old behavior or belief and grow beyond it. We all cross many thresholds but seldom are witnessed as we pass
over them into a new way of being.
There was a time when old men lived side by side with people of all ages, holding honored positions within the community, they were valued for their discretion and experience. In times of conflict, they balanced the young warrior's desire for adventure and physical challenge, offering sage discretion grown from having suffered
the regrettable consequences of battle. Excluded from the rigors of war these old men were often left to face the grief of those remaining at home, conscious of the painful costs incurred when young men go off to
dominate their world, these old men understood the unspoken consequences of aggression and greed.
They knew boys would find a way to be initiated into manhood even if they had to create hardship and suffering to test themselves. The old men were gatekeepers to maturity, able to recognize when the time was
right for a boy to become a man, they watched for signs confirming the moment, and they often had a long tradition of ceremony to support their challenge of initiation. Identified by many names worldwide, vision quest, hero's journey,
rite of passage, all initiations share a common theme. Separation, Descent, Ordeal, and a Welcoming back. These old men were schooled in the art of initiation.
Young men were separated from their families, challenged emotionally and physically in an effort to discover unique strengths and weaknesses, then welcomed into the world of adulthood charged with the responsibility of
making their contribution to the tribe or village. They began leaving the narcissism of the child behind, taking their rightful place, maturing as an adult. A pivotal moment began this process; the old men faced an initiate and said,
"I see value in you, now is the time to prove yourself, come with me, we are ready for you."
Deep within our bones a hunger still lives to hear an admired man speak these words. No matter where we come from, or which culture has left its imprint on our soul, our hunger to be seen as valuable, then challenged to reach
our potential are the words we yearn to hear. Regardless of our tribe or culture, we share a common desire for
initiation without ever knowing why.
"You have value, come with me"
How long have you been waiting for an old man to seek you out and speak these words?
We have abandoned our old men, assigning them positions of powerlessness. Themselves diminishing the wisdom gained from years served, certain their life experience has little value, banishing themselves to Desert or
Oceanside havens, living with isolation and regret as their constant companions in self-imposed exile. Today the world worships a youthful god of action in place of the aged god of discretion and wisdom. We still hunger for some challenge offered by a respected elder, ache for some affirmation of personal value convincing us of our inherent worth, yet we resist aging. We pray maturity will somehow eclipse this world of youth, but secretly dream it will leave us eighteen forever. The desire to be valued first felt as a youth mutates into resentment as years pass and our hunger grows, fueled by competition and jealousy administered in doses by those senior in years or authority. Endlessly waiting for the benevolent acknowledgement and worthy challenge offered by a true elder, we instead grow bitter and cynical.
The art of initiation practiced in the past by wise men and women may well be lost. Those schooled in initiation have almost disappeared, lost to a time that no longer exists. The hunger to be tested once satisfied by the
vision quest of old, replaced by a solitary journey where no welcome home is offered, unique contribution discouraged and individual value left to languish crumbling over time into regret and self absorbed introspection. We try
desperately to initiate ourselves through these passages, but what good is virtue when no one else bears witness.
Today we are initiated in isolation; seldom clear on the lesson, rarely blessed for our action.
We find personal initiations today everywhere we look, opportunities to rise above our previous limitations and challenge our fears or create new. Unlike days of old where the challenge came from outside in the form of a
fierce animal or harsh climate, today the greater challenges are found within ourselves. A failed relationship, or business crises brings us to our knees, forcing us across a threshold insisting we see ourselves in a new way.
Marriage certainly one of the most potent initiations takes limitless courage if for no other reason than to deflect stories of broken promises trailing behind countless families. The birth of a child, the grandest of all initiations
into womanhood initiates the father as well, propelling the new parents into a world of unfamiliar feelings and monumental expectations. Every one an initiation that shapes us from inside.
Today's "Hero's Journey" grows within us, often unspoken or endured with stoicism we are incapable of ignoring the call, life tests us insisting we >discover our strengths. Few of us approach these initiations consciously, swept up in
reaction or emotion we pass through life's challenges daring to risk an easy breath occasionally, yet also fearful of the future.
Deeper enduring values are learned in the crucible of initiation, modeled by older wiser souls that know of the struggle, their vitality proof we will survive. They must refuse us passage through the gates until they see us
consider our values and reflect them from our eyes for all to see. Only then do we become convinced of our value. When a respected man or woman looks into our eyes and believes we are powerful and just, we gladly live up
to their expectations. You are my best hope for the future; will my children be consumed by the hunger we have all suffered at the hands of absent elders? Or will you be the first to touch my daughter on the shoulder and say "Come with me, we are ready for you, I see something great in you" Will you seek out my son and convince him of his worth, challenge him to be great and fully capable of making his contribution?
Your "Hero's journey" awaits, will you put aside the playthings of youth, risk valuing your life experience enough to become that wise man or woman convincing others of their worth? Can you risk taking a stand against violence and oppression knowing the price? Put down the burden of your past and refuse fear the freedom to run your life?
Will you touch my children with benevolence, while challenging them into true maturity?
"Most men live lives of quiet desperation" (Thoreau)
The desperation we experience is not one of inadequacy, we are all desperate to make a unique contribution, be remembered fondly and leave a visible legacy. Desperate because we know the time is running out.
The "Golden ceiling" is but a thin membrane, constructed of what has been and what we thought we should do, yet easily pierced by the truth. The wisdom gained from years walking this planet is valuable, mature men and
women do have something to offer to all, the idea that beyond a certain number of years we have earned the right to fall asleep in the sun is a dreadful lie. A lie that wastes wisdom and atrophies bodies that could remain
>>vital. More important all those hungry to be convinced they have value will fall prey to the same illness many of us have suffered from. Diminishing our gifts, lost in regrets, and uncertain whether we really have anything of to
offer. Now is the time to take a stand, feed the hunger you see around you, convince others of their value and begin with yourself. The courage required to reach the other side of the Golden ceiling is considerable, but the tools needed
are simple and well known, Truth, Respect, and Wisdom.
We must not wait for the wise ones to appear, or lament their departure, we must become them.
Are you ready? I see something great in you.
Tuesday, February 10, 2004
I am more anxious about things than I care to admit. I handle too much, have too many balls in the air and then become afraid to drop them.
And then I upset people because I'm just not present all the time.
As I read a description of The Inner King Training, I started to wonder about how I rule my own realm.
I don't.
I have a slight headache this morning, the residue of two tension filled evenings that relate to non-home related stuff.
The first was a logistical problem at work on Sunday night where I could not intercpet someone over the weekend. The client was extremely gratious and solved the problem.
The secong related tothe New Warrior Traing Adventure I led in Brooklyn and a process that went into the park. A peer review was called, rejected and, I'd like to think of it as an inquiry from one of the other leaders started to investigate the process.
I felt shocked and stunned at this happening moe than 6 months after the weeknd, yet, listened to the man who let me know of it and then with the man who made the inquiry and believe that I have put it to bed.
It is pleasing to satisfy the inquiry but tiring to have to do this yet again, especially with something that I was so forthcominng about before and after the weekend.
Friday, February 06, 2004
Today is Jack's birthday. He's three. Sharon has been preparing for his party tomorrow and it is absolutely delightful to watch and enjoy him and her as they get ready. We gave him a toy dinosaur which he hugged and we played a Wiggles game and watched tv. And I love them both.
Wednesday, February 04, 2004
I was up at 3:30 but then, again, so was Sharon who was tending to a sick son. She's back asleep while I took over and sat with him watching PBSKids and giving him a nebulizer of Xopanex. His health leaves me concerned. He gets sick every 4-6 weeks and with that his sleep patterns are disrupted.
I wish things were easier sometimes.
And they are what they are.
I hope he's well for his birthday on Friday and his birthday party on Saturday.
Saturday, January 31, 2004
Friday, January 30, was "Gotcha Day." The second anniversary of our becoming a family through adoption. After some frustrations at work, I came home to a son who was tired and miserable. He had napped a litle but not enogh to feel rested so he was more demanding than ususal. He had soy pizza for dinner and Sharon and I had scrambled tofu (better than it sounds) and played the Wiggles game with him.
I love my family and get deramy with the idea of it. He's a nice boy and I wonder what he will be like as a man. What am I teaching him now? I don't know. I know he sees me working but what else is he seeing. I hope he sees the responsible one. The man who holds together responsibility and the family's relationship with the bigger world well.
Wednesday, January 28, 2004
I'm tired and depressed and need rest.
It snowed last night andwe had about 8-10 inches when I awoke. Jack was up at 3:30 and Sharon took the early shift letting me sleep until I aoke at 5. I was still tired but realized she wasn't next to me so went looking for her. Jack was watchinmg tv and she was lying in his bed, exhausted. So she went to bed and I took over. I'm better if I can get a slow start to the day and that didn't happen. As a matter of fact, just as I got out of the shower, I was asked to shovel snow, something I said I wanted to do last night, was told not to do for fear of waking Jack. And now that he was asleep, I'm asked to do it. So I lost all my time this morning, rushed through breakfast, mised my train and caught the next one.
I got to my office and the guy I'm coaching who has a methodical applicant who is not being committal to a job offer, starts putting pressure about how I should handle the deal. I handle my desk all day bt by the afternoon, I was very tired. In retrospect, I'm depressed and annoyed by the multitude of intrusions.
I didn't bargain for perpetual exhaustion in my life but that's what I'm getting. Tonight, I got home, and while I played with Jack, I was eating a dinner that I couldn't enjoy becauise it was described critically and Jack is trying to play a game with me.
I was awakened from my nap on the train by a call.
I don't like today.
And I made someone happy by invoting them to co-lead an NWTA in New York in October.
Sunday, January 25, 2004
I spent yesterday with Jack while Sharon did a retreat in Huntington. It was a fun day. We played in the AM; watched a little tv, I choppped ice from in froint of the house (it was too cold to let him come out) and then went to the aviation museum before coming home and Sharon joining us for dinner. It was fun watching him explore the planes at the aviation museum on LI. He would run form plane to plane, climb in a cockpit ask me to sit next to him and pull the stick, flip buttons, whatever. He went up and down the stairs. He had a ball. Although it was not an easy time getting him to sleep, it was a fun day.
Friday, January 23, 2004
The end of the day is usually hard for me. I'm up at 5:30 to read an online newspaper, do some yoga and have some breakfast. I usually meditate on the train in. I arrive at work at 8:45 and juggle between calls, emails, business development, work, MKP and the new business I'm developing. I mentor and teach. I see patients. I interview. I'm on the go from the time I arrive until I leave.
And then my real challenge starts. Coming home, I catch a quick bite and relieve Sharon and play with my son. Most of the time, Sharon puts him to bed. Some nights I do. I crash at the end of the day.
A night like Wednesday is special. Although it's hard for me to glide into relaxation, I love it. I can eat without being interrupted by someone wanting my attention. The food is adult food (Thank you, Thierry).
I don't drink anymore or smoke. I lost someone who did. I won't do it any more.
So, thank you all for making my playing possible Wednesday night.
Yesterday, I took off and took Jack to school and replaced Sharon as the parent during class. It was so much fun with him and all the other kids.
And today, I got a call, that Jack had peed in the potty (half was on the floor, but there was half in the potty).
My life is pretty damn good.
Friday, January 16, 2004
It has been a very busy week for me.
I've been alone because Sharon and Jack are in Florida so I went out with Peter for dinner only to get zapped at the end of the night with regular coffee, instead of the decaf I ordered. It affected me for two days.
Wednesday with my group, I was out late and realized how much I love sitting with them in a circle.
Today, the day started with temperature at 1 degree and windchill to 20 below zero. I froze until I could get on a train (The 7:19 was 25 minutes late so I took it to Jamaica and changed to a New York train rather than wait in the cold).
And once I got to work, I was swamped from the moment I arrived until 4PM. I could wind down then and began to. Came home and got the snow off the two cars and went to the store and home.
And now at 9PM, I just did a debrief of an interview. It's a long day.
And I'm happy that Sharon and Jack are going to be home tomorrow. As much as I;ve enjoyed my quiet time here, I'm looking forward to holding Sharon and holding Jack.
Saturday, January 10, 2004
It was a good work week and an OK personal one. With Sharon and Jack in Florida, I've had a very strong open to the new year. I've scheduled a lot of interviews. This amazes me because normally after two long weekends like we've had (Christmas and New Years on a Thursday resulted in two weeks of nothing), we walked in io Monday and the office was humming almost immediately.. I scheduled a bunch of interviews with candidates I found since returning from the holiday. It wouldn't have happened if I went to Florida with Sharon.
On the personal front, I didn't go to group on Wednesday because I was too tired from being up early to put them on a flight; Thursday, I met a mentee who wanted to end our mentor-mentee relationship and last night I worked. This weekend, I have to prep a speech I'm giving at Toastmasters, do some work on my new website idea and start to prep for business and personal taxes.
Gott ahave some fun, too!
Friday, January 09, 2004
Sharon and Jack are in Florida while I'm in New York. I've been working hard and I miss them.
Yesterday, I heard that somoene who worked in my office in 2003 for several months committed suicide. They had been evicted from their apartment, persuaded the doorman to let them back in to get a few possessions and then jumped out the window leaving a suicide note.
An older woman, I didn't think that she was worth hiring but, it appears that by giving her a job, her life might have been extended longer. What I don't see sometimes in the heat of the moment was the opportunity for generousity.
I'm still not fully rested from my early AM Wednesday when I had to rise at 3AM to get Sharon and Jack to the airport. This weekend, there is a lot to do with my new Toastmasters speech coming up, an oportunity to prepare myself for the acountant for taxes and work thaht I n do for my new website ahead.
And I want to have some fun!
Tuesday, December 30, 2003
A few days later and we feel differnt. Whereas Sunday we felt isolated, today we feel close. We had dinner last night without Jack and spent time talking; some about him and some just having fun. And despite Sha having been up with him during the night for several hours, we were still bale to be caring for one another and not harmful to one another or our relationship.
He seems to be getting a little better. An ENT Sharon took him to said it wasn't a sinus infection. His breathing has been better and we both spent some time playing with him tonight.
I'm home for the NEXT 5 DAYS. Last weekend was horrible. I'm hoping this one is much better and expect it to be so.
Sunday, December 28, 2003
This was not a weekend for the record books. Yesterday, I spent a lot of time indoors with Jack while Sharon did yoga and a few errands. By the end of the day, I was sufficiently exhausted and depressed, that Sha suggested I go out for a while. I went to Walmart (how depressing to spend a Saturday by myself in Walmart and then went to see The Last Samurai (terrific). I came home at midnight to find that Jack was still up. I read to him for a while, then put him in the car until he fell asleep where he usually does--on the loop of the awantaugh that is almost all dark.
This morning up at 7, Sharon and I spoke and it has become pbvious how differnt we are becoming as she explores Buddhism and I get depressed from Buddhism. I decided not to go to the center, prefering instead to iron my shirts rather than sit in meditation today. She felt rejected and angry, yet it was a preference for me thaht made sense. A dozen shirts were sitting for weeks while I started running very low.
Yet she felt rejected and I felt relieved by not going to meditation. I don;t want to spend my life purely in contemplation. I want to apply myself to help others use my skills and talents yet, I'm left feeling down when I spend time at the center with her. I also don't care for most of the prayers. They seem like poor translations that have no soul, just words.
She came at around two and we gave Jack another nebulizer and ran a few errands, trying to make some contact while still feeling separate from each other. It feels sad to me. I miss her.
Saturday, December 27, 2003
I'm not a real flexible guy and yesterday was proof of that yet again when I had trouble adapting to having a day off and being with my sick son.
And it was fun spending time with him but in the afternoon, i had to shift gears from working on my company's books and shift to rushing him to the doctor to have his breathing checked because Sharon was concerned, I struggled and had trouble coming back and being present.
Friday, December 26, 2003
The day after Christmas and the day after vising my parents with my family. Both were well-behaved toward me and toward Sharon and Jack. My Dad seems like he's preparing himself to die. He is just completing radiation treatment for a re-occurrence of colon cancer and is continuing his chemo. When he spoke about his brother who dies quite a few years ago, he went off in memories and when I asked him to tell me the memory he had, he spoke of how his brother helped him get his education when he was young In the past, he never spoke about these moments.
I'm having trouble preparing for his death. It may happen soon or not but when a man is in his 90's like he is, he is closer than further away. For years, I wanted to prove something to him and no matter what I did, there was always a new question or problem or contemplation taht made my preparation uselesss. These days, his attempts to pick at me don;t matter.
I hope he lives longer.
Tuesday, December 23, 2003
It was a sweet day yesterday. Made a deal. Lost an opportunity to do another one. Came home early and lit Hannukkah candles and gave Jack a present and enjoyed playing "Go Fish." with he and Sharon.
As the holidays continue or approach depending on your religion, work has been calmer and less taxing. I know that will change in another 2 weeks so, while this is going on and there is nothing I can do about it, I'm just doing what I can do to make the most of it.
I was home before Jack and Sharon were so I was waiting for them when they got home. He is so joyous when he sees me. There is never enough Daddy time and that feels great!
Wednesday, December 17, 2003
I started the day leaving before Jack was up but having had a few minutes with Sharon. I rode inwith my train buddy, but skipped my morning meditation. I arrived at work and found out that I had lost a small placement I made and got scared that maybe the things I'm working on would fail. But as the day progressed, I heard that an offer was being crafted for one person and that I did a deal on another. I arrived home, had a nice dinner with Sharon, Jack was a bit tired but stayed up enough for me to play Candyland and to come with us to BJ's.
The store took back the DVD-VCR player that I bought a few weeks ago taht had been eating up tapes, even though I didn's have a receipt or a box. I replaced it with a more expensive Sony and it had an easy installation. Jack fell asleep on the drive home.
I am very appreciative for my friends and family. I noticed how smoothly everything went a BJ's. They took the product back and then, when I returned with the Sony, they checked me out at customer service so that I didn't have to wait on line. And Sharon and I talked a little and that helped too.
Tuesday, December 16, 2003
Ah!
Yesterday, Richie reported to me about teh potential deal and seemed like he was in my corner. A couple of the rookies started to work on my jobs. Terry and I had lunch and had fun. Ed, Terry and I joked and had fun as a team.Jack and I played. I had a conversation with IRS and someone there was helpful by getting my EIN number cleaned up, mentioning that my sorporate return was not linked with a filing and payment and then committing to fixing it when it was found. Paul was willing to make a donation of dinner for two for Jack's school. Hal reached out to me when he needed someone to speak with.
Sunday, December 14, 2003
By the end of the day, I was exhausted. Yet Sharon was there with Jack until he fell asleep at close to 11. She got him running around earlier. She eased his crying when I woke im badly from his nap. She made dinner. She is a wonder!
Saturday, December 13, 2003
How easy yesterday was.
It started with a smooth ride on the train with my train buddy and a good meditation. It continued with a quiet office day, scheduling an interview, helping someone with some advice abvout alternative services taht they as an out of work HR person cold use to locate a position (they didn't fit what my client wanted).
Being told that I would be doing a deal on Monday, the possibility of two more shortly after that, coming home a little early and spending time with Sharon and Jack and playing with the little guy and hearing him giggle as I picked him up and swung him around.
Yes, it was a nice day!
Friday, December 12, 2003
Another nice day of good things. My company's office party brings attention to how nice it is to work at my firm. Speaking with Tim Piter yesterday and simply sorting through our schedule for leaing trainigs next year, hearing of his wife's pregnancy and discussing his ideas for supporting men in our community and my mentee Neil was sucha pleasure.
Everyone I spoke with did what I expected them to do yesterday.
I came home and Sharon reported on her day before going to her class. Jack wasa lot of fun, too. He beat me at Candyland twice and got to sleep in the car, lettting me carry him in. He was so happy to win!
Thursday, December 11, 2003
At group last night, I spoke about how difficulkt it is for me to feel happy because I am scheduled so tightly. I decided that for a while, I would right about some of the nice things of the day when I first awoke.
I am appreciative for my group and the ability to speak freely there.
It was nice to come home last night and be greeted by a son who was happy to see me even if it meant that he was up at 10:30 when I got home.
I am happy that I beleive the job market is turning back and that I am about to be able to help a lot more people than I have in a long time.
Sunday, December 07, 2003
My birthday was yesterday and it was a wonderful day. How I celebrate birthdays is so different now than what it used to be.
I used to have "Birthday Week." I would go out with many different women and celebrate.
Now, I came home from work a little early on Friday because of the large snowfall in New York. I found that Sharon and Jack had cards prepared for me. Jack'shad his drawing on it because he can't write yet. He wanted to give me my presents, so as I was handed each, he told me what was inside (coffee, a book, and mala beads). We laughed together.
Yesterday, Sharon and I were going to the meditation center for the day for an empowerment so I spent a lot of money on baby sitters and the fee for the day and put a candle in my non-fat ricotta cheese (with Sweet & Low and vanilla extract--I'm on the South Bech Diet) and he and I made a wish and blew it out.
He fell asleep as we were coming in and woke at around 7PM so he stayed up until after 11. Sharon gets the early nap in case I can't get him down and she has to be up with him during the night. But I got him to sleep and came to bed at 11:45.
And if you check the time stamp of this blog, you'll see I'm up early to spend a few minutes with Sharon before she heads off to class. Unfortunately, she's locked her car keys in the car and is waiting for AAA to help her.
I feel pleasant and happy and only slightly strained from tension.
Sunday, November 30, 2003
The end of the weekend approaches. I was up extreemly early and could't get back to sleep. We were taken to dinner by Peter and Claire to James Beard House where I participated in a feast atht was sooooooo wonderful. Tuna Carpaccio, Lobster Risotto, quaill and venison plus a chocolate torte tat ws wonderful. Jack was asleep when we got home which capped the evening perfectly. Yet I was up at 4 because I had jad coffee to stay awake for last evening. Jack and I spent the early morning with one another and caught a ride to the meditation center in Huntington from Robin.
Although it was a little hard not to doze during meditation, Togden's teachings were wonderful! Jack napped on the return and for a total of two hours giving us a bit of a break. Tomorrow, the holiday ends and I have to get back to helping people find work and companies find people to help accomplish their objectives.
